Mr Speaker: Order, Order… Mr Charon
Mr Charon: With your permission, Mr. Speaker, I should like to express my regret for passing into the Division Lobby on Wednesday after the order had been given for the doors to be locked. Although I was in my room, I did not hear the first warning signals. I offer my sincere apologies both to you, Sir, and to the House.
Major James Disaster-Smythe: May I ask, Mr. Speaker, whether you could consider asking the Chancellor of The Exchequer to have a lever fitted on the double doors, so that they both shut together?
Mr Speaker: That is a question which I suggest that the hon. and gallant Member should put on the Order Paper to the Chancellor. Mr Charon, a personal statement to the House.
Mr Charon: With your permission, Mr. Speaker, I should like to express my regret for an oversight on my part in having completely forgotten that I did not marry the honourable member for Chiswick-upon- Thames in 2003 or, indeed, at all.
It would appear, through sloppy accounting on my part, on the advice of the Fees Office, and after careful perusal of The Green Book - that I claimed a second home allowance and then flipped that house to another one and as my then wife - who I thought was my wife – was away, I filled in the claims for her, arranging for the expenses to be paid into my account in The States of Jersey. I regret, also, Mr Speaker that I had completely forgotten about this account until my attention was drawn to it yesterday by a member of the fourth estate who caught me in the street as I was on my way to Spearmint Rhino, my club.
Turning to the matter of my polo ponies, Mr Speaker. It would appear, through sheer and unadulterated incompetence on the part of my diary secretary, who by sheer coincidence, as correctly reported in the press, is also a lapdancer at Spearmint Rhino; invoices for stabling of my eight polo ponies got bundled into the folder for my Commons expenses and these were forwarded to the Fees Office and paid without demur. I would like to assure the House that I shall be repaying these expenses when consultancy fees from the leading law firm I introduced to Lord CashnCarry are paid. Lord CashnCarry, I understand, is rather pre-occupied with an investigation in another place at present, but he assures me that the money should be with me within the next few days.
Members will have seen, reported in the press today, that my expenses claim includes an item for videos of an educational nature and a massage table
Mr Speaker: Order…. ORDER…Members will please observe the tradition of silence for personal statements. Please continue Mr Charon
Mr Charon: With your permission Mr Speaker… I fully accept that I purchased the Cindy gets her Tits Out video series in the mistaken belief that they were part of a series produced by BBC 2 on Rare Birds of Britain. Members of the House will know that I am a keen bird watcher. I did not have time to watch these videos but accept, now, that the content is of an adult nature and wholly inappropriate for a claim for expenses by an honourable membrum virilis of this House. I shall be reimbursing the Fees Office with the £10 cost of these videos.
Finally, Mr Speaker, in relation to the massage table. I have a bad back, a result of bird watching activities in my youth. I purchased this massage table from a junior minister at the Ministry of Justice, at a knockdown price. He was very keen to sell it, and, given the nature of our constituency work, which entails a great deal of standing about listening to constituents droning on about fatcattery in public life, I felt that it was a purchase wholly, necessarily and exclusively related to my work as a Member of this House
I am speechless. My politician’s crush has been swiftly removed and in its place I feel nothing but jaded anguish. I am sure Rex’s behaviour as it has impacted upon my emotional state is a breach of my right to private life or something, so I will consider filing a law suit in due course.
PS If that massage table is going to get thrown out, can I have it? I have a bad back also.
My brother Rex is a man of rather unusual behaviour and tastes. The only birds he ever watched were the ones in the nightclubs and on beaches. Ridiculous man.
He certainly didn’t mention a wife when I last saw him… he gave up that lark years ago, after several marriages, when a girlfriend called him Lord of the Aisles and said he had ‘Mad Vow’ disease.
It would appear that whilst your Not so Right and not so Honourable brother may have Mad Vow Disease, you appear to be suffering from Mad Vowel Disease. Those puns are going to give you indigestion.
I may have to file two law suits in tandem against both yourself and your brother; for breaching my right to private life. Yes. I think that works.
PS It’s not nice to be rude about your siblings in public.
Natasha… I have pun anywhere! My brother, Rex Charon is an animal!
Another of my brothers, professor RD Charon, is an embittered soul who writes law books and articles no-one reads. I gather that he is in Belgium at the moment over eating and drinking beer. He does not drink much wine, thoroughly disapproves of me and doesn’t even smoke… god help him.
Rex does everything however… nuff said.
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