Big Society: 6.05 pm – Iain Duncan-Smith is in The Diary Room
Big Society: Good afternoon Secretary of State. Found any exorcists in your new department…? I’m sure there are quite a few demons over there?
Ian Duncan-Smith: hahaha… no, demons, yes… but no exorcists here.
Big Society: So… you have the distinction of being the only leader of a parliamentary party forced out on a vote of no confidence by your own party. Recovered?
Ian Duncan-Smith: Yes, absolutely… they called me the ‘Quiet Man’… I even told them not to underestimate me… but they did… but now I’m back with my Centre for Social Justice and a good team.
Big Society: yes… it would appear that you are back. William Hague is another former leader. I was surprised they didn’t have any room for Michael Howard – the leader who never slept – but I suppose they had to shoehorn all those Lib-Dems in. So… what has it being like trying to persuade some of your more, shall we say, ‘right thinking’ colleagues of the value of your centre for Social Justice?
Ian Duncan-Smith: A bit like shining a pencil torch into a dark void.
Big Society: hahaha – ah well… they’re a bit busy at the moment trying to fend of Dave’s brilliant new plan to infiltrate the 1922 Committee to stop it being an internal focus for dissent. Still… some of your colleagues must have been a bit pissed orf not to have got a nice little number or sinecure and now find those jumped up tree huggers bigging it up in the corridors of power. Well… it has to be said that social justice agenda is right at the heart of David Cameron’s repositioning of the Tory party under the Compassionate Conservative schtik.
Ian Duncan-Smith: Yes, absolutely… Mrs Thatcher was right in 1987 to talk about the inner cities. She just never got there.
Big Society: So getting fired by the men in suits didn’t bother you that much… you’ve come back.
Ian Duncan-Smith: It was difficult being leader, I make no bones about it. The Labour Party was in the ascendant, we weren’t. We were still tearing chunks off ourselves. But I have no regrets.
Big Society: How long do you think it will be before some of your disenfranchised and disenchanted back benchers and paid up members of the awkward squad will kick off… to use a modern term?
Ian Duncan-Smith: Not long…. but we have a lot of goodwill in the country with this new politics schtik and with quite a lot of people selling their old principles down the river and becoming ‘born again politicians’ we have a majority…. Labour want to re-group so can’t afford to bring us down yet, so even if a few Lib-Dems escape… we should be OK for a while… Even Ed Balls is trying to persuade people he has mellowed and will listen… hahaha…. I can’t see it myself… but who knows…? we live in interesting times.
Big Society: Normally, Secretary of State, I can listen endlessly… but I’ve just had a call from our producer…. he’s telling me you are just too reasonable and sensible these days… can you come up with real fruit loop stuff next time you come into The Diary Room..? . perhaps encourage Nadine to go for judicial review of the Speaker election… or get some of them to call for an immediate restoration of hunting and tiger shooting, withdrawal from Europe, abolish the Human Rights Act that sort of thing…? you know… the shit that sells newspapers and makes Daily Politics and Newsnight watchable?
Ian Duncan-Smith: Ok… err…. I’ll see what I can do… bye Big Society….
Big Society: Bye… mind how you go…. Exorciso te romanum and all that!
Lawyer’s disclaimer! All, well some it, entirely fictitious and made up… obviously.