It is with some regret…that, today, I announce my retirement as the Goalkeeper for The Inns of Court FC. The manager, Steve MacAngry, telephoned me today and described my attempt to pass off the fact that I missed an easy pass from a player on my own side, letting in a goal – because The Law Society FC goalkeeper had dug up large sections of the turf around the goalmouth at the end of the first half – as ‘pathetic’. I could have coped with that criticism – but McAngry went on to describe my knowledge of football and my technical skills as a goalkeeper as ‘pitiful’. In the circumstances, I feel that I had to take the honourable route and go to my Inn Library. On a side table, beside a single chair, was a tumbler of malt whisky and a loaded World War II service revolver. I enjoyed the whisky but decided that discretion was the better part of valour (and I had no wish to be charged with possession of a loaded revolver) so I made the entirely pragmatic decision not to shoot myself.
As a result of this decision… I remain able to continue with my blawg which, as I am no longer required to turn out every Saturday to play footer, will keep me occupied on Saturday afternoons.
It is a little known fact that one of my ancestors , Julius Charon, commanded the XV legion during the reign of Caligula. Students of history may well be familiar with Caligula’s rather bizarre invasion of Britain in 40 AD. I draw on Wikipedia for some historical background: “according to Suetonius, he drew up his troops in battle formation facing the English Channel and ordered them to attack the standing water. Afterwards, he had the troops gather sea shells, referring to them as “plunder from the ocean, due to the Capitol and the Palace”. Modern historians are unsure if that was meant to be an ironic punishment for the soldiers’ mutiny or due to Caligula’s derangement. “
I am able to report that my ancestor Julius Charon did not fully understand Caligula’s instructions and set sail for England in three Triremes. The British were not expecting Charon – so when he landed at Brighton he found a large number of largely peaceful young people drinking beer in the late afternoon sun and smoking what appeared to be parts of a common garden weed. Julius Charon does report in his popular book “Absit invidia – No offence intended” – that ‘there appeared to be no weapons of mass destruction and that the army of Britain appeared to have gone into winter quarters.’ These young people, initially, were pleased to see Charon and his legionaries fully dressed for battle and welcomed them as ‘liberators’ from the tyranny of Togodumnus, a nearby tribal warlord. As the days passed, however, the mood of these young people changed from welcoming to one more sinister and menacing. I fear that my ancestor may have tried to win ‘their hearts and minds’ by pressing them into military service and making them drill with shields over their heads while running up and down the Brighton sea front, which did not go down well with these younger people who preferred to stay up all night at raves.
Julius Charon was eventually prompted to write to Caligula who, now, was delighted with the fact that one of his generals had shown initiative by invading Britain all on his own and was telling his Senators and the People of Rome ‘that Roman troops were in Britain with the full acceptance and mandate of a locally and democratically elected government headed by Antonius Blairitus’ and the troops were needed to keep the peace between a largely warring group of different tribal factions and ‘insurgentii’. Caligula also reported to the Senate and People of Rome that Roman forces would remain in place until the job was done.
My ancestor wrote at the time. “British people can be very welcoming. But you have to understand, that they prefer to invite people into their country. We rather kicked the door in and if we are to have any credibility in this region we must hand over control to local forces and leave.”
I gather that Julius Charon’s letter came as a bit of a blow to Caligula, deranging him further and, in particular, prompting him to say to the Senate and People of Rome that he would rule Rome forever, that he had absolutely no intention of making way for Gordonius, that he now thoroughly agreed with Julius Charon, that there was absolutely no schism or rift between him and the General and they were ‘ad idem’.
It is a curious thing history….
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