Archive for December 23rd, 2006

Once in Royal David’s City…

Or perhaps this post should be titled: ‘God rest ye merry gentlemen
let nothing you dismay’

I have seen that a number of my fellow bloggers are slacking. Justin Patten of Human Law seems to have retired until 3rd January. Geeklawyer is doing wonderfully weird things with mobiles, podcasts, dildos et al on his blog – but, I am pleased to see that Dan Hull of What about Clients is still at it… The U.S work ethic in operation. (All in my blogroll to the right)

Charon never closes. I will be blogging throughout the Christmas period – even on Christmas Day. I was with Codebreaker at The Swan last night (They are now closed until 3rd January) and he told me that Christmas Day was the one day in the year where one could almost map out what most of the population of Britain will be doing. I was into my second glass. Codebreaker was one set up on me. I asked him what he was talking about. “Well”, he said “At 3.00 most people will be watching H M The Queen.” Codebreaker gave further illustrations which I won’t trouble you with. You may well be doing them yourself on the day.

I told him that I would not be doing so. He scoffed at my republicanism. “No..no” I replied… “I will download the royal podcast later” 15 all. Apparently a lot of people do their tax returns on Christmas Day. (Codebreaker revealed this information after telling me what most people would be eating – as if I was an alien with no understanding of British culture.) I had to reach for the bottle at this news.

Well…there we are.. Now to Webcameron. After receiving the message from The Three Wise men at Webcameron that we have all won the Time Person of the Year award – I decided to go and have a look at what David.. the man who would be King… was up to. I watched the latest film. Fascinating stuff. He was in a car going to his constituency – which he does every Friday. He told me that he was having Christmas lunch with his staff – which was ‘very important’. He then rifled through a cheap looking briefcase to reveal a bundle of letters, a slim Ryman’s folder with papers to be signed and a bundle of post and what appeared to be a brown envelope ( A tax return form?) We then received information about his diary of the day which included drawing a raffle ticket and opening a charity shop. This is all good practice for the future if he gets a Red Box… I’m afraid I could watch no longer. My life was draining away slowly…

However… you may enjoy watching former Big Borether contestant, Derek Laud, droning on about himself and declaring that he is ready to serve his country. I don’t know why – but his ramblings reminded me of Widow Twankey in panto.. the end of pier stuff. He is very excited about being a conservative and, on the verge of hyperventilating, told us that it is a good time to be a Conservative…’particularly if you are black and gay.’

Let nothing you dismay…indeed!


Bystander’s blog (The Magistrate’s Blog) always has something useful in it – and, pleasingly quite a few of his readers seem to find their way on to mine – hopefully not for any insight into the law?

Bystander is not slacking: I have taken the liberty of quoting his latest entry in full which raised my spirits:

A Speeding Case in the High Court

Crime Line points us to this case in which a speeding driver, heavily reliant on material downloaded from the Internet, appealed against a conviction for doing 117 mph. The High Court supported the magistrates’ decisions, and rejected the appeal. The concluding remarks as to costs do, as Andrew Keogh points out, show that a sense of humour can sometimes be found on the High Court bench.

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While Lord Stevens has been busy of late on rather more important matters: clearing the Royal Family and The Establishment of any involvement in the death of Princess Diana and, more recently, (subject to further investigation) trying to determine whether any bungs have been given in the beautiful game – one of my brothers, recently retired rozzer, Inspector ‘Morose’ Charon, has been lining his pockets and drinking copiously from the trough, by taking on a number of investigations of his own.

I am only relieved that Matt Muttley, managing partner of Muttley Dastardly LLP, has been exonerated completely by Inspector Charon’s latest report into whether Matt Muttley had attempted to subvert the very foundations of the Constitution by handing a brown envelope containing £50,000 to Number 10 to buy a knighthood. Inspector Charon’s report has been confirmed by Downing Street.

A Downing Street spokesperson said today (Transcribed from the live tv transmission) ” It is an incontrovertible fact that a brown envelope was received from Mr Muttley by a police officer at Number 10. The envelope was examined by a specialist forensic team at Number 10 and was found to contain not £50,000 but £5. A note was received with the £5 which read: ‘Please pass this small gift to the PM with my heartfelt wish that he enjoys his retirement.’ The Prime Minister has returned the gift to Mr Muttley as it could not be regarded as a non-disclosable donation to a political party and, while the PM was touched by the gift, it is not permissable for a serving Prime Minister to be interviewed by police officers… sorry…that should read.. to receive personal gifts of money.”

I am relieved. I am told that this enquiry only cost the tax payer £49,000. My brother tells me that he trousered £46,500 and spent the rest on disbursements. If only legal aid was so generous.

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