I rather like this: The Chaos
Those who are not native speakers of English (and let us, tonight, include the Australians – simply because they are winning the cricket) may be baffled, at times, by English – but you should hear how we speak and pronounce it in different parts of the country! I am not stupid enough to identify any particular part of Britain.
I quote a few verses – the full version of The Chaos is well worth reading. Clever – in fact, brilliant.
The Chaos
by Gerard Nolst Trenité
Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.
I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
Tear in eye, your dress you’ll tear;
Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.
Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
Just compare heart, hear and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word.
Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter how it’s written).
Made has not the sound of bade,
Say—said, pay—paid, laid but plaid.
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
But be careful how you speak,
Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak,