Audio version: West London Man (1) – With the first hot weekend of summer
And so… with the first hot weekend of summer… West London Man (WLM) has been to Sainsburys Homebase, purchased some charcoal, and a new barbecue. He has been to Macken Brothers in Chiswick for choice cuts of meat and sausages and he has petrol or firelighters. West London Man is also mildly inebriated and about to commit the first of many social atrocities of the coming summer.
Ordinarily, West London Man does not cook. He is a City professional or in Telly… somewhere. He eats sushi by day and M&S prepared meals by night – or eats out. It is possible that West London Man drives an Audi, BMW or Mercedes… anything is possible…. but not saloons, of course…. and he may well have paid more for a model with no roof… for better road visibility… of him.
It is curious how men who do not know how to cook, never cook at home, suddenly find themselves possessed of chef skills when the first hot summer sun appears. The barbecue is set up. West London wife / girlfriend looks on with mounting horror / amusement / disdain / love / adoration (*) as WLM puts a butcher’s apron on. WLM would never, of course, be so crass as to have one of those comedy aprons with an image of a woman in 
black underwear and stockings printed on it. He may well be crass enough, over the age of 16, to wear cut off trousers and be wearing a pink or pale blue polo shirt – but he does not wear comedy barbecue aprons. Barbecues are serious matters…. pour hommes.
(*) It depends on how long WLM and Mrs WLM have been married / going out.
He has injected his tiger prawns with Chili dip sauce purchased from a West London supermarket. He has marinaded his steaks in yet another sauce purchased from a supermarket and his sausages are made from very rare pigs and a herb mix designed to appeal to the West London palate by cunning ‘traditional’ butchers.
WLM is now ready to begin. With the panache of a conductor at The Proms – he ignites the coals, pouring petrol onto the charcoal. There is clapping from the assembled men who, like our ancestors when they first saw fire, marvelled. WHOOOOSH….. the barbecue is on fire… there is no escort of Chinese athletes in London this time. The light of cullinary freedom is lit. The music is .. Also sprach Zarathustra… The next thing WLM has to do is…. prepare the Pimms – another popular summer barbecue drink, conjuring up images of the Far East of Somerset Maugham.
Of course, West London Man is driven… he works in the City (or is something in Telly) and this particular one hasn’t got any idea at all about cooking. He cannot wait. On go the steaks, the prawns, the sausages… into the flames of Hades. The baked potatoes, salad and other additions to the meal have been prepared by Mrs West London Man or have been bought in from M&S… and, where necessary, heated up.
Unfortunately… WLM does not realise that one has to wait until the coals are very hot and the flames have subsided before cooking. Before you know it, City professionals etc etc… are eating sausages with the appearance of having survived a nuclear attack on the outside but are raw inside and the steaks have shrivelled to half the size. But all is well… this is man food. This is how our ancestors did it – before Delia came along.
West London Man and his guests were not able to concentrate on work fully the next day – the frequency of trips to the lavatory higher than for the usual Columbian ‘comfort’ breaks.
Tomorrow night, I am going to Kensington Place to write a review for LawandMore. I’m glad they know to cook there.
***
I have decided that West London Man will be doing The Season – Chelsea, Wimbledon, Lords, Glyndebourne, Ascot, Henley … he will be there… and I shall report on how he handles himself. See: Comments below for a foretaste.
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And if you survived my rant… then go and read this… excellent stuff:
Seriously, you’re having a fucking laugh
Buona notte….. we shall meet again… on the field of the cloth of gold…. possibly. Cry God for Harry etc etc … unless you are a Dawkins fan…..
I concur. Excellent post.
BBQ’ing is one of the last bastions of masculinity. It involves fire, good! Meat, good! Alcohol, good! and if it’s a proper BBQ no salad, good!
I believe it’s one of the last areas where ones better half leaves you to it without constant interference and knowing ‘I could do it better’ looks.
If only it didn’t induce so much ‘have you cleaned the BBQ?’ nagging. Being a bloke I’m definately of the opinion that the heat kills anything bad for you on the BBQ and it’s only the nuked meat that’ll kill you.
House… this is only the beginning…. The barbecuers will be at it all summer. I am confident the London Amblance Service, Fire Brigade and plastic surgeons will be kept busy.
Next week…. West London Man will be worrying about house prices (not because he has burned his house down) – but I plan to observe life from the perspective of WLM from time to time.
I’m confident that WLM will do The Season. Possibly even be at The Chelsea Flower Show (buying bamboo for his garden), Henley (Falling in), Lords (Wearing fancy dress on Saturday), Ascot (getting over refreshed with The Duke of Edinburgh in The Royal Enclosure), Glyndebourne (singing ‘Nessun Dorma’ badly at inappropriate moments and repeatedly), Wimbledon (Shouting “Common Andy… you Scots bastard – pronounced with a long ‘a’)… and both he and his wife will be very worried about the credit-crunch and the fact that all the plumbers, builders, nannies and cleaners have gone back to Poland. How will Mr and Mrs WLM survive? We shall see how they cope over the coming months.
Yes… plenty for WLM to get up to this summer….
And then… as a denouement… at the end… like a good old fashioned denouement… his wife / girlfriend (Mrs WLM) will either kill him or divorce him… got to squeeze a bit of legal interest / law in somewhere. We have criminal lawyers and family lawyers on hand to advise me on the technical details… of murder / divorce – although, in relation to the latter… “I’ve had a few… too few to mention’.
Does WLM finish it off with Last night at the Proms?
Diary of a WLM wirtten by Charonqc serialised in the Daily Mail? 😉
I look forward to ‘The further adventures of WLM’ 🙂
A wonderful post that made Ms R cringe almost as much as watchingThe Apprentice.
In Australia the BBQ it is a decidely male activity, undertaken by the type of men who would not give salad a second look. Over here it appears to be the domain of metrosexual types anxious to prove they have meat, as with WLM.
Ms R looks forward to more of WLM’s awkwardness.
House… Daily Mail? Now you are taking the piss. I ONLY read The Daily Mail under compulsion – for professional purposes. I may well have to consider matters further 🙂
I read Mirror, FT, Indie, Guardian, Times and Telegraph daily – online (sun, occasionally – and NOTW every Sunday) – for my other activities… and buy three newspapers every morning…. The Daily Mail is not one of them…. I may be a Sagalout (or qualified for same, should I say ) – but… I not read The Mail
HOUSE… You may assume that WLM will be at the Proms… in Tails… but to reveal more, at this stage, would not be appropriate… for there may be dark deeds afoot for my second cousin, Sherlock Charon, to solve soon after….,
Hmmm … I guess I currently qualify as WLM by virtue of (a) being male and (b) living in West London. You make me feel glad that (b) is only a temporary anomaly!
I’ve been known to barbecue in the past but generally under duress. Yes, I can achieve the same level of “success” as anyone else but I can never really understand that point of it all. It’s much quicker, healthier and convenient to cook the food indoors and then eat outdoors – and you don’t have to eat swathed in smoke either.
Besides, in England it has an annoying habit of raining on barbecue days (like “raining on my parade” but with a nutritional impact).
Mrs R…. Indeed…
This WLM is definitely in touch with himself…. probably… most days, in fact.
But there we are… who am I to deny this West London Man a few pleasures in life !
RO…. this WLM is a recidivist…. a danger to society…. I am keeping a very close eye on him.
You have, by your own admission, proved beyond all reasonable doubt, that you are NOT this type of WLM.
I merely refer you to your statement: ” I’ve been known to barbecue in the past but generally under duress. Yes, I can achieve the same level of “success” as anyone else but I can never really understand that point of it all.”
I rest … etc etc…..
I like West London…. has kept me amused for years – but I may well soon be leaving… like Ulysses… on a jet plane…. or, more likely, a motorbike….
It is time… soon… for Ulysses to leave West London… and I may well record his journey….
How does WLM bear up, I wonder, when compared with SELM ( South East London Man) – who is frequently wont to burn very large packs of orange painted meat obtained from Tescos,(Chicken, Sauasage and Bugers all in the same pack, eugh) which will thereafter be consumed with quantities of tear and share garlic bread, nachos with chili dip followed by tiramisu, all washed down with more beer than you can shake a stick at. The sumpuous feast is prepared on the balcony of his Social Housing Flat where ambiance is provided by a boom box cranking out garage at sound levels which directly compete with the noise generated by Heathrow Airport.
Hmm – perhaps they should have a cook off…..
Oh I look forward to the next gripping instalment of West London Man.
Minxy, loving the meat in one pack and the ‘tear and share garlic bread.’ All very primitive sounding.
Disgustingly primitive but unfortunately true, Lady R – all wonderful fare brought to you by those people fond of the addage “every little helps”………..
Charon, I happen to know that a certain blogging lawyer has been partial to the odd grilled prawn in the past. Just saying.
VP… Absolutely…. I ate a lot of prawns at Table Three….
Don’t forget the two expresso’s and bottle of Rioja
Hello my friend from Virginity project – never forget the two espressos and rioja! How are you?
Have emailed… great to hear from you on the comments section. See you soon ! we shall dine and drink of the vine – or I shall. I know you are sensible… sometimes!
WLM is pretty down with the ‘yoot’ these days too.
I fancy he might embarass himself at a few festivals as well…..
Are you thinking Glasto? No…. that is not something WLM and Mrs WLM would do – they are not entirely normal people… as will be revealed over the summer.
Geeklawyer is, however, quite keen on Glasto – and he is very sensible / normal… apart from when he hits the mead and the white lightning cider…. not that I have any direct experience of this aspect of his otherwise unimpeachable (some women say ‘peachy’) character
🙂
Sorry GL… Kate M is a good friend – she is not a lawyer buut has the misfortune to have met me and now reads law blogs – fortunately … those without any law in them.
Nope. He might tell people he’s going to Glasto but in reality he is more likely to head off to poshstock at Babington house.
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