Archive for July 29th, 2008

West London Man (19): A short holiday in Padstow, Cornwall

Produced:  In West London

Run Time:  5.37 minutes
Music:  I do love to be beside the seaside
Wardrobe: Boden (left)

The part of Caroline was played by Joanna Le Huquet.  Charon took the parts of George and David Cameron

Listen to the Audio version of West London Man (19)

George and Caroline usually take a summer vacation in Southern France or Tuscany. Conscious, this year, that they should be seen by fellow West Londoners to be doing the right thing, they too are going to have a ‘British’ holiday quickly and then go on their real holiday to Tuscany in early August.  The Boden catalogue arrived and George has purchased some rather fetching outfits for the Padstow trip.  The children, Peregrine and Jocasta are looking forward to playing at the seaside.  George has arranged for a local nanny to look after the children during the day for the short week’s holiday.

George, to irritate one of his Chiswick friends who has an Audi Quattro TT, bought himself an Aston Martin DB9 and he and Caroline went down to Cornwall in the Aston.  The children followed later in the family’s BMW 4 x 4 with Caroline’s Mother who would help look after the children during the week’s holiday.

It was the first day of the holiday.  George and Caroline went for a walk on the beach – George dressed casually in navy shorts and a dark gray polo shirt.  Caroline wore a long floral print skirt and a soft black sleeveless top.

Caroline: George?…. isn’t that David Cameron and his wife, Samantha, sitting on the beach over there?

George brought his Zeiss binoculars up to his eyes and scanned the horizon.  It was not necessary to use binoculars because the Camerons were only fifty or so yards away.

George: I think you’re right, darling… yes…. it is Dave and Samantha?

Caroline: Dave?… do you know Cameron?

George: Well…. not exactly…. I joined WebCameron some time ago and get emails from him regularly.

Caroline: But doesn’t everyone who joins WebCameron get an email from him regularly?

George: welll… yes… yes… I suppose they do.

Caroline: So… you don’t actually know Dave and Samantha then?

George: No…. not as such…. no.

Caroline started laughing and said: Have you noticed that ‘Dave’ and Samantha are wearing exactly the same clothes as we are wearing.

George brought his binoculars up t his eyes again and paused.

George: Bloody hell… you’re right…. how could that happen…?

Caroline: Well they can’t be using a catalogue….. maybe they went to the same shop in West London?

George: Yes… possibly.

Caroline: I wonder if he has brought his bicycle with him?  He got it back you know.

George and Caroline strolled along the beach.  George waved casually at the Cameron’s who were about to be photographed for the newspapers and waved.

George: Hi Dave!… having a good break?  You gave Brown a good fisting in the Commons last week…. keep it up…

Cameron: Thank you… enjoy your holiday too.

George: Absolutely Dave…  gather you got your bike back… some hoodie made off with it is the word on the street….  quite amusing really.

Cameron: It wasn’t amusing at the time. Well… if you will excuse me…. I’ve got to get these pics done.

George: Well Dave… keep it up… you’ll be in Number 10 before Christmas…. and that Vince Cable bloke who called Brown ‘Mr Bean’ will be an excellent Chancellor of The Exchequer.  Good man, Cable….. you made a good choice there.

Cameron smiling wearily:  Mr Cable is a Liberal-Democrat.

George: Absolutely… well… it takes all sorts….. have a great vacation… I’ll be voting for you.  Bye.

Caroline dragged George quickly by the arm, laughing.  The Cameron’s laughed and Caroline was absolutely certain she heard Samantha say “What a strange man…. do you know him?”

Caroline: Well that was a command performance, George…. brilliant in fact.  Instead of saying ‘beasting’, which is probably just acceptable parliamentary language, you used ‘fisting’ and you did not appear to Cameron to know much about politics because Vince Cable is not a Tory…. but who cares… that was funny… very funny in fact… now take me for lunch, then take me to bed and take me..  It has been a while…


Listen to the Audio version of West London Man (19)

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The newspapers stagger like binge drinkers on a hot Friday night in Brighton – some, it has to be said, from the white stiletto high heeled shoes school of journalism –  between feeding on pictures of politicians on holiday to the frenzy about whether Gordon Brown should or should not stand down / be sacked as prime minister.

Yesterday we were treated to a picture of David Cameron and his wife Samantha enjoying a holiday in Cornwall; prompting a journalist to comment that they looked as if they were straight out of a Boden catalogue.  By contrast, Gordon Brown looked as if he had been dressing in the dark again from Primark in what appeared to be  a pair of navy suit trousers, black brogues, an open neck shirt and a very beige jacket. Gordon was clearly at pains, or in pain, to demonstrate that he can look like a holidaymaker by demonstrating his rictus-like smile.  I am certain, but cannot be sure, that he was saying ‘I want a gottle of geer’.  It is said that MPs from Lancashire want Gordon Brown to fire himself.

Meanwhile, in today’s Evening Standard I discovered that arch feminist Harriet Harman, deputy leader of the Labour Party – but not Deputy Prime Minister – was at the helm demanding to hold meetings sitting in the prime minister’s chair in the Cabinet Room at 7.30 am.  Apparently, the ‘team’ are none to enamoured with Ms Harman – she, herself, we are told, finds it perplexing that she is not particularly popular as a politician both within and without Westminster. Mind you, she is another one who has a predilection for curious jackets.  She looked as if she was wearing one made of giraffe skin when filmed by the BBC today for the lunchtime Harmannews – a very curious jacket indeed.  I found it difficult to concentrate on the turkey slices I am eating this week, after a week on Omega 3 providing mackerel.

For what it is worth – I think that Brown is a disaster, Harman would be worse and that we need the eminence gris, the Richard III of the Labour Party – Jack “The Lad Chancellor” Straw – to part the Red Sea and steer us to the promised land where all is good. Fortunately, I do not make my living from political punditry – so I am entitled to hold bizarre views of this nature without fear of having a pay cut…. and talking of which….

The silly season is upon us…. August approaches. I covered the extraordinary case of a ‘woman betrayed’ in my ‘Postcard from The Staterooms’ – but I almost had to give myself a Heimlich manoeuvre when I looked at The Mirror yesterday morning over an espresso to find the headline “Countdown Meltdown”.  Inside, it was worse.  We were treated to a ‘possibly post-tears style’ photograph of Ms Vorderman and a host of rather ‘mature celebrities’ from a time gone by, who entertain the coffin dodgers in the late afternoon on Countdown,  telling us that it was a ‘disgrace’ the way Ms Vorderman had been treated by Channel 4 and if she wasn’t going to be on Countdown…. then neither were they.  Excellent – we need to encourage younger people – men and women in their early fifties.  Our time has come. Jesus… it is only a bloody television programme and while I accept that it provided good and enjoyable  entertainment for millions (well… under a million in recent months) – it is hardly deserving of all this pathos tinged, asininely British, coverage.

And now… it is time for a “Medal Ceremony” :  FOR IDIOCY – RYEDALE DISTRICT COUNCIL
Regular readers may recall that I have started awarding medals For Idiocy beyond the call of duty.  Blogger, White Rabbit, has drawn my attention to a quite remarkabe story where a ‘Yorkshire Patriot’….. “A local patriot by the name of Andrew Wainwright took to flying the white rose flag. The result: a summons by Ryedale District Council. The ‘reason’ was that the flag supposedly constituted advertising (advertising of what remains obscure) and was thus subject to a planning charge. The result was general uproar, ridicule and the mass ordering of Yorkshire flags by Mr Wainwright’s fellow villagers.  For the full story – and there is more… please visit White Rabbit’s account.

I have started a “For Idiocy beyond the call of duty” category  on my blog – so please do not hesitate to nominate when you come across conduct from one of our unsung heros meriting an award.  I have noticed that the first two awards I have ‘bestowed’ are both local Council.  This could be a pattern?

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