Archive for March 22nd, 2009

Drunken ramblings from London?…

I met up with Geeklawyer on Friday for a short lunch. We talk together on his ridiculous white Google phone after he decided that we just had to do a podcast.  Here is the result.  I’ll get my coat…

Listen to the podcast (And remember, do not do this at home – we are professionals)

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Jade – you have been evicted, would you please leave The World

From “fat chav racist slag” (Sun, News of The World etc etc in times not so far past)  to the “People’s Princess”  probably sums up the career of Big Brother housemate Jade Goody who passed into television and media folklore in the early hours of this morning.  It is inelegant to speak ill of the dead, so I won’t – but if I can work out how to make as much money out of my *upcoming* death, I will die a happy man.

I do hope that we shall not see the outpouring of national grief and sanctimonious hypocrisy from the media and the people of Britain who run around like headless chickens chucking flowers about and weeping in public as happened when that other People’s Princess died some years back.  The good news is (a) The Duke of Edinburgh will not be accused by conspiracy and other assorted nutters of being implicated in this death and (b) Sir Elton won’t have to turn up, rework an old song again,  and sing Candle in the Wind.

I will say this, though…. Jade was absolutely right to milk as much money out of the tabloids and other elements of the popular press to provide for her children.

Moving on.. to other matters, but staying with the News of The World.

A SENIOR Labour MP cheated on his wife in a midnight sex romp INSIDE the House of Commons.

The News of The World solemnly reports… “Former minister Nigel Griffiths, a close friend of Prime Minister Gordon Brown, cavorted with a naked brunette in his Parliamentary office on Remembrance Day. Then the shamed MP, 53, LIED about the shock breach of Commons Rules of Conduct, branding our story “outrageous.” Now he stands accused of bringing the House into disrepute.”

As I drank my tea and ate my excellent scrambled eggs with smoked salmon strips – cooked by my own fair and sober hand – I relished the world class hypocrisy of the NOTW journo who then went on to roar… “Griffiths could not have chosen a more shameful date for his sordid House of Commons sex romp— Remembrance Day. On the very day Britain was honouring its fallen heroes, Griffiths—a former Deputy Leader of the House—dishonoured the Mother of Parliaments and disgraced his privileged position.” I was amazed Neville Thurlbeck could not have shoehorned even more hyperbolating cliches into his short piece.  Must try harder next week Mr T… but good effort…. enjoyed the piece.

As a hack writer myself, I sometimes wonder what goes through the minds of Sun, Mirror and NOTW journos when they write.  Tabloid journalism in this country is, as it happens, extremely well written.  It is difficult to reduce complex political and other issues to simple terms, to come up with the classic headlines and puns, and still manage to keep a straight face while writing complete and utter hypocritical bollocks.  I refuse to believe that tabloid journos are god fearing men and women who abhor the seamy side of life, who are outraged by the peccadillos of life etc etc…   But you have to admire the mania that can come up with the headline “Louse of Commons”  Good stuff.

Yesterday I had a few comments to make about The Pope and then my cousin, Cardinal Charoni di Tempranillo, helped out by doing a guest post allowing me to talk on skype to a friend about life, the universe and Scrabble ( a game I am being slaughtered in currently) Cousin Charoni wrote about the diminishing influence of the Church in advanced societies.  I contented myself by commenting on the Pope’s helpful advice to Africa.

And so… over to my mate Jimmy Bastard’s inimitable blog: Never Mind The Bollix for the first green shoots of Spring: “At lang last, the winter skies appear to brighten of a night, and the dark hibernation once more draws to an ungracious end. Nae mare will the humble drunk have to stagger hame in the first half light of a cald winters gloom. Nae mare will he run the risk of disfiguring his shoes, by way of an incongruously placed swell of a dying man. Spring has sprung its overdue fingers upon the festering cities of Ecosse. The vestige’s of culture have at last begun to screw in their only remaining 30 watt bulb.”

Rabbie Burns?  No… this is poetry!  If you have a taste for the bizarre, the surreal and the plain dirty… this blog is for you.  the Photoshoppery is also superb [Not always office safe… it has to be said] . Visit Never Mind The Bollix.

Oh.. and do try to nick one of Jimmy Bastard’s  images – just for the pop up message.  I’ll probably get a visit from The Boys… but because I am a Scot I shall assume they have come to deliver  some rather fine wine…

As to Mother’s Day… I’d be arrested if I tried to celebrate Mother’s Day with my mother – she’s been dead for 15 years.  But for those of you who do celebrate this day – have a good one.

Well the sun is shining… this means it must be time for me to open a bottle, have a glass and watch the world go by… a piu tarde


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