Archive for March, 2009

Jade – you have been evicted, would you please leave The World

From “fat chav racist slag” (Sun, News of The World etc etc in times not so far past)  to the “People’s Princess”  probably sums up the career of Big Brother housemate Jade Goody who passed into television and media folklore in the early hours of this morning.  It is inelegant to speak ill of the dead, so I won’t – but if I can work out how to make as much money out of my *upcoming* death, I will die a happy man.

I do hope that we shall not see the outpouring of national grief and sanctimonious hypocrisy from the media and the people of Britain who run around like headless chickens chucking flowers about and weeping in public as happened when that other People’s Princess died some years back.  The good news is (a) The Duke of Edinburgh will not be accused by conspiracy and other assorted nutters of being implicated in this death and (b) Sir Elton won’t have to turn up, rework an old song again,  and sing Candle in the Wind.

I will say this, though…. Jade was absolutely right to milk as much money out of the tabloids and other elements of the popular press to provide for her children.

Moving on.. to other matters, but staying with the News of The World.

A SENIOR Labour MP cheated on his wife in a midnight sex romp INSIDE the House of Commons.

The News of The World solemnly reports… “Former minister Nigel Griffiths, a close friend of Prime Minister Gordon Brown, cavorted with a naked brunette in his Parliamentary office on Remembrance Day. Then the shamed MP, 53, LIED about the shock breach of Commons Rules of Conduct, branding our story “outrageous.” Now he stands accused of bringing the House into disrepute.”

As I drank my tea and ate my excellent scrambled eggs with smoked salmon strips – cooked by my own fair and sober hand – I relished the world class hypocrisy of the NOTW journo who then went on to roar… “Griffiths could not have chosen a more shameful date for his sordid House of Commons sex romp— Remembrance Day. On the very day Britain was honouring its fallen heroes, Griffiths—a former Deputy Leader of the House—dishonoured the Mother of Parliaments and disgraced his privileged position.” I was amazed Neville Thurlbeck could not have shoehorned even more hyperbolating cliches into his short piece.  Must try harder next week Mr T… but good effort…. enjoyed the piece.

As a hack writer myself, I sometimes wonder what goes through the minds of Sun, Mirror and NOTW journos when they write.  Tabloid journalism in this country is, as it happens, extremely well written.  It is difficult to reduce complex political and other issues to simple terms, to come up with the classic headlines and puns, and still manage to keep a straight face while writing complete and utter hypocritical bollocks.  I refuse to believe that tabloid journos are god fearing men and women who abhor the seamy side of life, who are outraged by the peccadillos of life etc etc…   But you have to admire the mania that can come up with the headline “Louse of Commons”  Good stuff.

Yesterday I had a few comments to make about The Pope and then my cousin, Cardinal Charoni di Tempranillo, helped out by doing a guest post allowing me to talk on skype to a friend about life, the universe and Scrabble ( a game I am being slaughtered in currently) Cousin Charoni wrote about the diminishing influence of the Church in advanced societies.  I contented myself by commenting on the Pope’s helpful advice to Africa.

And so… over to my mate Jimmy Bastard’s inimitable blog: Never Mind The Bollix for the first green shoots of Spring: “At lang last, the winter skies appear to brighten of a night, and the dark hibernation once more draws to an ungracious end. Nae mare will the humble drunk have to stagger hame in the first half light of a cald winters gloom. Nae mare will he run the risk of disfiguring his shoes, by way of an incongruously placed swell of a dying man. Spring has sprung its overdue fingers upon the festering cities of Ecosse. The vestige’s of culture have at last begun to screw in their only remaining 30 watt bulb.”

Rabbie Burns?  No… this is poetry!  If you have a taste for the bizarre, the surreal and the plain dirty… this blog is for you.  the Photoshoppery is also superb [Not always office safe… it has to be said] . Visit Never Mind The Bollix.

Oh.. and do try to nick one of Jimmy Bastard’s  images – just for the pop up message.  I’ll probably get a visit from The Boys… but because I am a Scot I shall assume they have come to deliver  some rather fine wine…

As to Mother’s Day… I’d be arrested if I tried to celebrate Mother’s Day with my mother – she’s been dead for 15 years.  But for those of you who do celebrate this day – have a good one.

Well the sun is shining… this means it must be time for me to open a bottle, have a glass and watch the world go by… a piu tarde



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In the name of the father… the son….

I see that my cousin Charon QC  has been busy having a go at His Holiness (infra). While I would not wish to provoke yet another schism in the church, especially after that rather embarrassing business over the British holocaust denying bishop,  it is not particularly helpful to the wider interests of those of us on…shall we say… the financial wing of the church… to have His Holiness calling on our wonderful friends who lead countries in Africa to stop engaging in well established principles of administration and  ‘best practice’ by asking them to stamp out corruption. Selling relics is so 15th century… now we offer a range of services, including Premier Platimum Absolution which covers pretty well every sin from corruption to mass genocide… for a fee, of course.

For many years the Church enjoyed power, prestige, influence, great wealth and the private pleasures of the flesh by preying on the superstition and lack of education of the people it sought to have power over.  King Henry VIII started the rot by getting rid of the Pope and grabbing the land and wealth owned by the Church under the wonderful euphemism of ‘Reformation’ and set up a model more convenient to his politico-legal needs to establish a dynasty. Now we share with our brethren in other faiths a world of converts much diminished by education and seek to convert the remaining ill educated peoples of the world to our ways.

We have had some success but the internet, the spread of television and people like Hitchens and Dawkins flogging their God Delusion books through Amazon and all good bookshops has made it much more difficult to pass the collection plate around on Sundays – although we are doing good trade in ‘Weddings in Church for the modern godless couple’, particularly in our more ‘historic’ churches and…. we have upped the stakes by doing wine tastings on Sunday mornings and slipping in a bit of absolution and a complimentary wafer  as our congregation sips the wine.

I am often asked if I believe in God.  I smile beningnly, raise my arms to the heavens and say ‘God is within us all’… which usually does the business.   Now, if you forgive me, I have matters to attend to… we are developing a package for governments that are running out of money to pay their police and armed forces.  We have a working title for it… ‘Operation Put the Fear of God back into your people’.

In the name of the  Father… the son….

Cardinal Charoni di Tempranillo

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Infallibility and a trip to London…

I was talking to John Bolch of Family Lore earlier today and in the course of the conversation, apropos of nothing in particular, he  asked me if I had heard the latest utterances of the man in Rome with the pointed white hat, God’s Banker, the Pope. I told him that I rarely, if ever, listen to or read the musings of the mumbo jumbo men.  John, who is a fellow rationalist and non-believer, told me that The Pope was telling Africa to stop using condoms and observed, drily, that the Pope seemed to be saying that while it is a pity 22 million africans are suffering from AIDS, catholic dogma was more important.  This prompted me to google *Pope* and see what happened.

Peter Brookes cartoon from The Times

Apparently his holiness, after being criticised for suggesting that the use of condoms could endanger public health and increase the spread of AIDS (which appears to go against the usual medical advice), decided that being Pope wasn’t quite enough to keep him busy and that he would go on Stars in your Eyes and be King Canute for the day by calling for Africa to stop being corrupt – an equally pointless call to arms for those of a dictatorial and presidential disposition in this beautiful but troubled continent.

It is just as well the Pope can plead infallibility because if he was a doctor and gave such advice to a developing nation he would, I suspect, be open to litigation for professional negligence.  But there we are… moving swiftly on…

Yesterday I escaped from websites, blogs, podcasts and the like to make a State visit to London. I had planned to go up to meet a friend at 6.30 but…  The Prince of Darkness, Geeklawyer, called me from oop North where he had been giving of his expertise, to ask me if I fancied a quick drink or two at 2.00 pm. The Pope being  a catholic I accepted, showered, shaved (but leaving the tache intact), and made my way to The Lamb in Lamb’s Conduit Street.  We stood outside in the warm spring sunshine and drank wine.  Geeklawyer had cider, in fact…. about seven large glasses of the stuff at which point he decided we should do a podcast.  He produced his Google phone and hey presto… instant pile of recorded nonsense.  I shall post link when he gets round to posting it on his blog.

Being of the view that it would be inelegant to meet my friend at 6.30 pm ‘roaring on arrival’, my lunchtime consumption was moderate.  After a very enjoyable couple of hours nattering about law, philosophy and life I made my way back to ‘East of London’. A chav on the train was shouting a converstaion at his mates on his mobile.  His command of English was limited by he certainly gave the old anglo-saxon a bit of an outing.  He did not appear to grasp the concept that microphones on mobiles are capable of transmitting sound most effectively to people at the other end even if they are 50 miles away or more.

However… it appears that temporal lords may not be infallible

The Times reports that “Lord Myners knew about massive pension payout for disgraced banker.”   The Times notes… “Sir Tom MCKillop (Chairman RBS)  is understood to dispute what Lord Myners told the committee when he said that he was not informed about the size of Sir Fred’s pension pot during negotiations last October over the Government’s rescue package for the bank….In fact, according to Sir Tom, Lord Myners was told exactly how much the pension was worth”

Perhaps Lord Myners needs to put a condom over his head to protect himself from his own mouth and what comes out of it?

But the world of showbiz shows us how fallibility can be fun… The Sun reports:

KATE MOSS’s epic week on the thrash has finally caught up with her.

“The supermodel lost it when she was forced to queue for the loos at London hotspot Volstead and ended up arguing with staff. A source said: “She barged into the ladies and when she realised there were no cubicles free she starting kicking one of the doors, shouting: ‘Hurry up or I’ll kick the f***ing door down.”

Political infallibility

Ian Parker-Jospeh, leader of the Libertarian Party UK has a post today illustrating the infallibility of politicans.. or rather how infallibility can be achieved by not giving people an opportunity to take part in the decision making process.  Ian P-J reports… “The ex-mayor of London who lost his position largely through his support for the congestion charge in the capital has said the people of Bristol should not be given a say on their cities bid to introduce a charge. Former London Mayor Ken Livingstone says it would be pointless to have a referendum on congestion charging in Bristol.”

I enjoyed the bit in Ian’s  blog post… “Commenting on the position of being a directly elected Mayor he said: “I could do exactly what I wanted to do.”

I did a podcast with Ian Parker-Joseph fairly recently.  f you wish to listen to his thoughts on Liberty – listen here

And on that note… the sun is shining and I have some liquid sunshine to get stuck into… a piu tarde.

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Just a few things…

And so here we are… coming up to the end of the week – has it been a good week for you?

Twitter continues to amuse (or abused in my case) and here is an excellent short film for those who share my taste for parody.

Tom Harris MP on his blog provides the following illustration of a professional busybody performing at world class levels.  I despair for our country sometimes. Here is a railway official who hasn’t quite got over Thomas The Tank Engine being officious.  I would have thought a train spotter the least likely disguise for a terrorist to adopt… but no, to this railway official this man presented  an ‘ever present danger’.

Ian Parker-Joseph, leader of the Libertarian UK Party, writes in his blog: Craig Murray to accuse Jack Straw on torture before HR committee: “The Parliamentary Joint Committee on Human Rights has agreed to hear evidence from Craig Murray on torture on Tuesday 28 April at 1.45pm, where he will accuse Jack Straw of instituting and approving policy to accept intelligence from torture abroad.

Craig tells us on his blog:

I am delighted, as I have been trying for over four years to lay the truth about British torture policy before Parliament. I will testify that as British Ambassador I was told there is a very definite policy to accept intelligence from torture abroad, and that the policy was instituted and approved by Jack Straw when Foreign Secretary. I will tell them that as Ambassador I protested formally three times in writing to Jack Straw, and that the Foreign Office told me in reply to my protests that this was perfectly legal.

I will prove my evidence with documentation.”

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Hi Adobe… thank you very much for writing to me

… but in these difficult days why do you you think, when I have paid a lot of money for your excellent products over the years, I should want to give you my thoughts for FREE?  I am an academic lawyer, blogger and a writer…. I pay you for your software in full – have the courtesy to pay me for my opinion?

I intend to publish this on my blog and send it to my reader (depending on which Stats package you use – and that does not include @StephenFry’s Followers on Twitter, who I shall inform immediately)  – because, frankly, you make a lot of money already, which I don’t begrudge, and I really do not see why you can’t pay those you ask for advice for the time involved in completing your development surveys or give them something in return, like a free brush tool add-on for Photoshop or perhaps a turbo charged pdf add on for Acrobat Reader?

Maybe I should go off to Pirate Bay and just rip you off and get your stuff for free like everyone else does? ….  but I won’t because I am one of the last of The Mohicans and I don’t rip software off.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh – but you guys already try to rule the world… I’m OK with that, provided you pay us to live in your world.

On that note… goodnight.

Charon QC

PS… my Bank Account is a bit lonely at the moment… if you ask it nicely it will receive your consultancy fee with grace, elegance and passion …. email Tartsareus@charoninc.orgasm for details.

On 18 Mar 2009, at 00:05, The Adobe Research Team wrote:


Adobe is conducting a survey to better understand the teaching and professional development needs of customers like you. Please take this opportunity to tell Adobe about your experiences so that we can continue to improve in a way that serves you best.  Please note that this survey will be running for a limited period of time; therefore, please complete the survey as soon as possible. This survey will take approximately 15 minutes to complete.

[It drones on for ages… so I cut the rest….]

Thank you in advance for your participation. We look forward to hearing from you!
The Adobe Research Team

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Good evening.  I talk to you from The Boat. Before Geeklawyer, the Prince of Darkness, returns to his coffin in the cellar, with or without a stake through the heart from those who may have been outraged by Blawg Review 203, I  am talking to him about Blawg Review 204 which is about to be hosted by the well known Above The Law tabloid in The States as Blawg Review returns to a degree of relative sanity. I say ‘Relative’ because Above The Law is well known for the dark side, humour and going off piste but, apparently without images of Victorians rogering wenches.  Good evening, Geeklawyer.  Pleased with yourself?

Watch the movie?

Read Blawg Review #203

If you would like to make your own Tory banner then click here

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Dear Reader,

At a time when the government is pouring millions of pounds into entirely pointless activities like swimming fast for a couple of hundred metres in heated pools, cycling faster and faster with funny hats on around an indoor arena, or encouraging people to see how high and how far they can jump… or even hop, skip and then jump… and our England cricket team, stuffed to the gunnels with sacked England Captains snatching draws from the very jaws of victory  – the government is hampering the activities of the true sportsmen and women of England – the binge drinkers.

Britain leads the world at binge drinking but we cannot afford to be complacent. The Swedes, the Germans, the Russians are catching us up fast. At one stage Britain led the world in serial smoking, but a group of professional busybodies  declared a war on terror and we surrendered in droves; a pitiful, ragged, army of smokers reduced to huddling outside in all weathers to get our fix, leaving the dessicated anti-smoking lobby drinking half a shandy in now, increasingly, empty pubs.  Some pubs are terminally empty.  They have shut down in large numbers.

Now, Sir Liam Busybody, HM Chief Medical Officer, (The Independent reports) begins his crusade to stamp out drinking by proposing that the price of alcohol be doubled. Other medical and political busybodies are trying to deal with that other sport we excel at, only bettered by the Germans and Americans – FatBastardo – The Way of The Fat Bastard.  What are they all trying to do – build a master race that lives forever?

Anyway… be that as it may… tonight is not the time for me to remind you that our freedom to live our lives as we wish to is being eroded in so many ways;  some serious, others perhaps not so serious. So… moving on to other matters.

As my brother, Rex Charon MP,  is  huddled in a think tank at this very moment talking policy with other like minded future political masters, it is left to me to keep the political home fires burning by drawing your attention to some useful posts from the leading political bloggers.  I shall do so, of course, from the perspective of the surreal-politik rather than real-politik.

Guido Fawkes reports that “Brown is Bonkers” Meme Now Underpins the Tory Message and suggests that the Tories should ‘stoke it all the way to the next election’.  One doesn’t need to be ‘Mystic Charon’ to work out that the Tories are on a roll, but the Guido post is definitely worth a read.   Mayor Boris has a recipe for chutney, would you believe?.  Crikey!

My friend from many years ago, retired barrister (early retirement) The Fat Bigot, always has something worth reading and today he has this: “A little clear blue water : Today saw a potentially important step towards the next general election, which must be held within the next fifteen months. It seems quite a long time when you put it in months, but it will soon pass. What was witnessed today was a purely strategic move by David Cameron, the leader of the Conservatives, to put a clear dividing line between him as potential Prime Minister and poor Gordon.”

The Ranting Penguin has a post entirely in keeping with my postcard to you today… Hoon of The Day: “The name’s Dalziel, and I’ll have a large Highland Park. Forget the fucking water!”

The Devil’s Kitchen is on the money with a post by ‘The Filthy smoker’Calais here we come: “Sir Liam Donaldson: pasty, saggy-faced, fat-arsed c**t.”

I’m afraid I agree… and on that note... I’m orf to drink a few glasses of Tempranillo, prop up the Spanish economy and  wait for the Prince of Darkness to set Anglo-American relations back to the time of George III with Blawg Review 203… it is due on a website by Geeklawyer at midnight GMT… or thereabouts if he hasn’t trashed his office at home following a binge drinking session….

As at 22.18 GMT Geeklawyers blog URL is showing the following message:  error 404 – not found…  Oh no! You’re looking for something which just isn’t here!

But… I am reasonably confident the master of the late night spliff will have sorted it by the witching hour… Yes.. he managed to post Blawg Review #203… not office safe…. and, possibly a good thing, he managed to leave me out of it… that’s Geeklawyer… mead and all! He did manage to get the Hellfire Club in though .

Next week I shall try to write of more important matters – but I did do some serious stuff all last week with posts and podcasts  (below).

Best regards as always,


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