Archive for August 26th, 2009

Slayer of prawns…and other matters…

I am Charon… Slayer of prawns! It is my duty… they cause global warming and I eat a great many in my quest for Greendom to rid the waters of Britain and elsewhere of prawns. Well… I had little sleep last night and after my experiences earlier with a Samsung Jet mobile phone, I believe I may be hallucinating.  Pictured left is a gift from a good friend @jaffne, a woman of many artistic talents including making things from paper.  As you can see my prawn has a red flag.  The red flag features in my life – I do vote labour, I am of a mildly anarchic persuasion when the mood suits and I often wave a red flag at myself in my mind when I think I may be overdoing it – rather difficult for a man whose mantra these days is… Absolutely Nothing in Moderation.

I am looking forward to receiving Prawn with red Flag  by Jaffne 2009 in the post soon!  I shall return the compliment with a bizarre cartoon…soon.

I went to London yesterday  to perform the duties of a relatively sane person and do three more podcasts for my series for The College of Law.  I interviewed three women – all fascinating, all a pleasure to interview.  I can’t reveal too much yet… but they were extremely interesting interviews to do . All will be revealed soon when the series ‘goes live’ in late September.

I left the College of Law in excellent spirits and made my way to Goodge Street to meet a good friend and talk of many things. Inevitably, a bottle of Rioja for me and Fosters beer for him.  There is no accounting for taste but he is from South Africa and I call him Johnny Biltong. We then decided it would be a plan to return to his apartment on the river at Battersea – nearly opposite the boat I lived on last Summer at Cheyne Walk on the Chelsea side of the river near Battersea Bridge.  I could see little point in adding to South Eastern Railways problems by being over refreshed on one of their trains late at night, so we decided to talk on into the night.  It was about 2.30 – 3.00  am  that I realised that I would be kipping on the floor.  To be fair, my friend did offer to let me have his bed and he would kip on the floor – but as I have slept on a japanese futon for twelve years, the floor was just not a problem. Unfortunately, I woke at 5.30 with the sun and was up, bright as a button, if perhaps, a little unsteady as I put my desert boots on.  My friend needs sleep… and he had just returned from South Africa the day before – so I made my way along the river path to Battersea bridge, crossed over and made my way to The Chelsea Bun to have breakfast.  Breakfast improved my steadiness and I made my way to Victoria Station for the train to East of London on the Medway.

I was having a cigarette outside Victoria Station, still dressed in the clothes I wore the day before – black jeans, combat boots and a grey polo shirt (simply because I had not planned on being kidnapped by  Johnny Biltong so hadn’t packed an overnight kitbag).

…. and then I heard the words “Hello… “

I turned… astonishingly… there smiling beside me,  was my first interviewee of the day before.  I can say this –  the lady occupies very high office, in the legal sphere,  and loves cricket.  She was a pleasure to talk with during the interview.  There was I, doing my best not to look like Oliver Reed after a long night, smoking a fag.  “Good morning …*X*…. what a small world.” was all I could muster,  before explaining that I had met a friend for drinks the night before and had missed my train.  She laughed… chatted for a few moments and went on her way to work!  You really could not make it up… I think I may have got away with it as the adrenalin kicked in.

I returned to the Medway towns where I am living for the present – overlooking water with views of Upnor Castle, naval dockyards, gulls and cormorants.

Today was SAMSUNG JET day – Orange was sending me my new toy. It arrived at 11.00 ish.  I am reasonably competent with ‘techie things’.  I do all my own websites, graphics, can make films, edit them and do sound… but I am NOT a teenager. I don’t do text very often… I call people on a mobile… but I just had to have a smartphone… or what Samsung say, theirs not being a ‘smart phone’ but ‘Smarter than Smart’.

I don’t like instruction manuals.  I am a bloke.  I believe I can operate any bit of kit through farting around with it. The Samsung Jet defeated me.  The instruction manual may as well be written in hieroglyphics…. it made no sense and didn’t seem to cover any of the things (in a sane manner)  I was interested in…. like: setting up email without having a stroke, going onto the internet without having a heart attack, downloading a java twitter client without wanting to be waterboarded just to calm me down.

I struggled, I’m afraid… in fact…. I couldn’t even find instructions on how the bloody rotating cube gimmick navigation aid worked.  I was convincing myself that Orange wanted to give me a bad day and  had disabled the navigation rotating cube  (the BIG idea for Samsung Jet) just for ME…. frustration mounted…. I tried to set the phone to my wi-fi.  That took me fifteen minutes.  My remaining life may well be short… I could feel my will to live draining away…. and then I saw this in the instruction manual on page 61… and I am not making it up… I’d like to have been able to give you a picture I took of the page… but I can’t…because I obviously need to go on a COURSE and learn how to use this bloody phone to transfer pics by BLUETOOTH …. so  I am using my fingers to type out the details  from the “INSTRUCTION” manual…


You can simulate fake incoming calls when you want to get out of meetings or unwanted conversations. You can also make it appear as if you are talking on the phone by playing back a recorded voice”

There follows a whole pile of gobbledygook to tell me how to fake an orgasm… Settings —> Application —–>Fuckpiggery —-> Fake call —–> Fake call voice.
So… tomorrow, I shall be recording a fake recording using one of my fake voices (I dare not ask anyone I know in case they think I have really lost the plot) … so that I can sit in meetings and pretend I am being called by Gordon Brown or my psychiatrist…and have to leave immediately.
I haven’t done it yet… but I felt like running onto my balcony and throwing this idiotic device into the river…

So if you get a call from a Mr Fish…. he will be the best informed fish in Britain…  because he will have worked out how the Samsung Jet works without an instruction manual …he will have connected to the net to read BBC news..he will be sending emails to his friends, downloading movies, bluetoothing pictures of himself on a 5 megapixel camera with autofocus and….  he may even end up tweeting using my Tiny Twitter account (which I did manage to get to work)…. You won’t be called by a Mr PRAWN …because I have just eaten him… with chilli and garlic.

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