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Archive for October 2nd, 2009

Don Charoni is in his office at The Staterooms.  The room is dark.  Charoni is wearing a Tuxedo and there is a glass of Rioja to his right and a pack of Camel to his left.  It is an ‘Anniversary’ for him.  On this day he is happy to see people and, if he can, grant their wish.

An impossibly youthful man (29), buff and  fit,  with a close cropped  beard is sitting on a chair in the corner of the room, playing with a wire garotte and murmuring.  Charoni’s ex-wife is watching from the drawing room down the hallway.  She shakes her head, a wistful expression on her face.  She saw this scene many times during the marriage. Aldo Sollozo, the managing partner of Sollozo & Tattaglia LLP, a niche practice in The City specialising in, shall we say, Terminations of the employment variety and Construction Law,  is shown into Don Charoni’s office.  He shakes Charoni’s hand and the door to the office is closed.

***

Sollozzo: Bene, Don Charoni. I need a man who has powerful Twitter friends . I need a million followers. I need, Don Charoni, all of those followers that @StephenFry carries around  in his pocket pocket, like so many nickels and dimes.
Don Charoni: What is the interest for my blawg…. for my online law magazine?
Sollozzo: Thirty percent of @StephenFry’s followers, free SEO and marketing for two years and I’ll buy four banners for your free online resource project. In the first year your end should be three, four million pageviews. And then it would go up.
Don Charoni:And what is the interest for the Tattalgia family?
Sollozzo: [smiles at @Geeklawyer who is still sitting in the corner playing with a wire garotte] My compliments.
[@Geeklawyer drinks some cider and  gives a formal nod]
Sollozzo: I’ll take care of the Tattaglias, out of my share.
Don Charoni:So, I am to receive thirty percent of @StephenFry’s followers, free SEO and marketing for two years and the revenues from four banners for tweeting, for legal advice and social media influence. Is that what you’re telling me?
Sollozzo: That’s right.
Don Charoni: Why come to me? What have I done to deserve such generosity?
Sollozzo: If you consider 300,000 followers  merely tweeting…
[raises his glass]
Sollozzo: Te salut, Don Charoni
[the Don gets up to take a drink and sits closer to Sollozzo]
Don Charoni:I said that I would see you because I had heard that you were a serious man, to be treated with respect. But I must say no to you and let me give you my reasons. It’s true I have a lot of friends on Twitter, but they wouldn’t be so friendly if they knew my business was spamming, legal marketing and search engine optimisation, instead of drinking and farting about which they consider a harmless vice. But SEO and legal marketing, that’s a dirty business.
Sollozzo: No, Don Charoni…
Don Charoni:It makes no difference, it does not make any difference to me what a man does for a living, you understand. But your business is a little dangerous and tedious.
Sollozzo: If you’re worried about security for your 300,000 followers on twitter from the deal, the Tattaglias will guarantee it.
Geeklawyer Whoa, now, you’re telling me that the Tattaglias guarantee our followers ….?  what the fuck you drinking, you disappointing little working class, left wing,  solicitor-inadequate… !!
Don Charoni: Wait a minute.
[the Don gives Geeklawyera cold stare, freezingGeeklawyer into silence.  Sollozzo looks slyly satisfied… ]
Don Charoni: [dismissive] I have a sentimental weakness for my fellow blawgers and twitters and I spoil them, as you can see. They talk and blaspheme when they should listen. Anyway, Signor Sollozzo, my no to you is final. I want to congratulate you on your new law firm and I’m sure you’ll do very well and good luck to you. Especially since your interests don’t conflict with mine. Thank you.
[Sollozzo leaves]
Don Charoni: Geeklawyer, come here.
Don Charoni: What’s the matter with you? I think your brain is going soft with all that comedy you are playing with that young girl @infobunny on Twitter. Never tell anyone outside the Family what you are thinking again. Capische?

***

Sollozo leaves the building  and Don Charon’s ex-wife comes into the office.

Don Charoni: All right. This one time I’ll let you ask me about my affairs.
Ex-Wife: Is it true? That you are going into the SEO and Law Marketing business? Is it?
Don Charoni: No.

[Ex-Wife smiles and walks into Charoni’s arms]

Ex-Wife I guess we both need a drink, huh?
Don CharonI: It would be inelegant not to….Chianti per favore, gattina

[Ex-Wife goes to the kitchen to fix a drink, but sees Peter Clemenza, Luca Brazzi and @Geeklawyer enter Don Charoni’s office]
Clemenza: Don Charoni.
[Clemenza kisses Charon’s hand, and @Geeklawyer shuts the door in her face… ]

With profuse apologies to the screenwriters of The Godfather.  It is, however, my favourite film of all time.  This, when you know me , is not at all surprising and the ex-wife referred to above arranged  for the band at our wedding to play The Godfather theme song as I got up to make my groom’s  speech – and that, believe it or not… is TRUE.  My ex-wife and I continue to be very good friends – and that is also true.

***

Now… I’m afraid I must rush. I have a ‘Christening’ to go to… and when I return… I shall definitely have fewer followers…. out of choice… there are spammers to deal with…. Geeklawyer… you have your wire garotte?

After that… I am ‘escaping’ to GO WEST… to see a friend…. and may be out of range, out of contact… and I shall certainly be ‘out to lunch’… as we say in blawg land.  Back Sunday….

Vi auguro un buon weekend e buon vino rosso

Best, as always

Don Charoni

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