I was going to do a podcast with Emily Nomates tonight – postponed until tomorrow to allow her to complete the production of a GuyNEWS vid (an entirely worthy cause) – and this has left me with a bit of useful time to consider the events of our times with a bottle of the juice.
Today Great Leader Kim Il Kamer On launched an invitation to the people of Britain to join him in government…. of all places… at Battersea Power Station, which allowed soon to be ennobled John Lord Two Shags Prescott to tweet…. “Tories to launch manifesto at Battersea Power Station – impressive from the outside but hollow and empty within”.
Battersea Power Station used to spew out a lot of things that were not terribly good for ‘one’. It may be that things have not changed that much?
A long document, but since I was only looking for things which I did not expect to be in it or specific items – it did not take me that long to read it and I was reasonably well rewarded within the early sections on the economy.
Charon’s Guide to The Tory Manifesto – sponsored by Oddbins’ Best
There is to be an emergency budget. This we knew. The Faustian Pact with the people did not mention VAT and appeared to my jaundiced eye to be a bit thin on how they were going to start cutting the deficit. Cunningly, they are going to cleanse the nation of the NI rise and fund it through cutting waste – where, we are not told.
Interestingly David Cameron is on record, unlike The Iron Lady, as saying there is such a thing as society. Well if the manifesto goes to plan and they ignore most of it, there may well not be a coherent society when they are done. Birds of a feather tend to flock together despite the fine sentiments in TV sound bytes about being One Nation Tories.
The plan to provide 5000 community volunteers to fart about in uniforms, no doubt, is still in the plan. What these worthies will actually do of value to society is not set out in any detail. Join the Police Community Support Service and eat buns on street corners like the others?
I am delighted to see that The Tories are going to deliver a successful Olympics. Unfortunately, there is no mention of BANNING DRUG TESTING. So for people like me, who have no interest at all in the Olympics, we will be denied the pleasure of seeing someone run 100 metres in 3 seconds or jump 70 feet into the air.
The National Lottery is to be restored to its original purpose. This is good news and may well prove very fruitful in generating revenue to reduce the deficit.
There is to be a focus on ‘behavioural economics and philanthropy’. At this stage I was beginning to reel slightly from the rather dull prose and, possibly…the wine – but I can only assume that this will be a return to business as usual and greed will be most welcome at H M Treasury; particularly greed for consumer items on which VAT can be charged at a higher rate? Who knows? The manifesto is curiously silent on VAT.
Social engineering programme – Marriage and Civil Partnerships to be recognised and encouraged. This is good if you want to provide more work for lawyers. Things have been a bit quiet on the divorce front, sources in Chancery Lane tell me – so I am all for this.
The Tories plan to reverse Labour’s Death tax. Idealogically, Tories don’t want income generators to die – ever. Dead people generally pay no income tax and VAT. A one off hit is inefficient and most inconvenient for very rich people who want to ensure that their fortunes can be lost by the next Bouji going generation of slackers. They do say ‘things’ skip a generation. .
Closing the attainment gap: This rather sinister section may have more to it than meets the eye. What does it mean? The manifesto is thin on detail. Giving the Tories the benefit of the doubt, I shall be generous and interpret it as meaning that a Tory government will close the attainment gap completely by making it almost impossible for nouveaus and parvenus to catch up with ‘old money’.
Discipline in the classroom: Words to create a frisson in the savage breast of some ‘old school’ Tories. Children are running amok in classrooms. The Tories plan to give the headmaster the ‘last word on discipline’ – presumably not the type of Papal last word… like ‘This is our little secret. Tell no-one about this beating, waterboarding, roasting in front of a fire secret…and for good measure here is a superinjunction…” type of last word?
Elected Police Commisioners: I have no idea whether George Osborne, Basil Grayling-Fawlty and David Cameron watched too much Batman as children – but the idea of elected Police Commissioners is not the best they have come up with. I look forward, as does the Guardian commentator, to lunatics from the BNP being elected as local ‘Police Top Guns’ – as Sir Hugh Orde has suggested may well happen.
Well… I could go on… but I have better things to do…. and you are far better off the reading the excellent ‘annotated guide’ to the manifesto from The Guardian which reviews it properly.
I leave you with this…. a Public Service Announcement from a man in the Autumn of his drinking life – but with the fire of hope still burning bright and a one way ticket to France if the Tories are elected! (No… I’d never leave Britain…. well.. I might if Basil Grayling starts running the Home Office – but he would probably deport me anyway.)
and this wonderful news…
Cleverest women are the heaviest drinkers
Women who went to university consume more alcohol than their less-highly-educated counterparts, a major study has found.
I had noticed that some clever women can knock it back… and long may that continue!