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Archive for May 15th, 2010

Set in a pastiche of the well known TV programme  on Channel 4 ….. Big Brother… Charon, taking the part of ‘Big Society’,  talks to some of the key players in these game-changing times..

The plan is to write a series of short scripts and do a recorded programe – usually 5 minutes or so in length – covering the events of our times.  I’ll see how it goes.

The first recorded programme…

In The Diary Room with Nick Clegg.

The part of Big Society was played by Charon and Nick Clegg was played by Tim Kevan, author of BabyBarista

Listen to the programme (5:03 mins)

Script

Coming soon… In The Diary Room with Theresa May

Lawyer’s disclaimer! All entirely fictitious and made up… obviously.

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BIG SOCIETY HOUSE: 2.05 PM – THERESA MAY IS IN THE DIARY ROOM

PODCAST VERSION

Download the podcast

Script

(5.08 minutes)

The part of Big Society was played by Charon.  Natasha Phillips, author of the Divorce Manual blog

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Big Society: Hello, Theresa.  How are you settling in?

May: Hello.  It’s tough, but I am tough and I will and can be tough when tough is needed.

Big Society: Do you like being at The Home Office?  You haven’t got much experience of Law & Order. Not really your field is it…you’re more of an equalities person aren’t you?  Let’s see… you voted against repealing section 28, voted against lowering the age of consent in homosexual relationships to 16, voted against gay adoption rights, voted against The Human Fertilization and Human Embryology Bill which would give lesbian couples the ability to receive fertility treatment .  Quite an impressive record for a Minister of the Crown holding an equalities portfolio…. can we expect this ‘Midas touch in reverse’ pattern to continue in your thinking at The Home Office…?

May: Well that was…. then… now is different…. we are in a game-changing coalition situation situation where the national interest takes precedence over personal interests… I want to be known as a “tough” Home Secretary. I think I am tough and willing to be tough when necessary,” she says. “I’m down to earth and that’s important. What I hope, in terms of me, is that people will be able to say she was tough but fair.

Big Society: Some of the crowd outside the Big Society House are asking if you and Chris Grayling are thinking of setting up a  Bed & Breakfast business together.  Are you?

May: That is a ridiculous question.  Dave said that people have to start looking up to politicians again and I am a very tough Home Secretary, so don’t get lippy with me…. I want RESPECT! And..another thing, people were surprised when I was made Home Secretary… let me say that there is no truth in the tweets on twitter that the old Tory grandees saw the words ‘Home’ and ‘Secretary’ and thought…’Ah…Give it to Theresa.. the one with the leopard skin kitten heels’.  No truth at all.

Big Society: Theresa, It can be very pressurised in The House… it is only Day 4… calm down. Have you got any sensible ideas which you wish to implement at the Home Office?

May: Yes, we want to create a climate where people can kill burglars in their own homes and tell yobs to ‘shut it’ without fear of being beaten up by them… in fact, we are going to enact a ‘Good Samaritan’ law so that ordinary members of the public can beat up young thugs, yobbos and benefit scroungers on the make without fear of prosecution.  We think this will make ordinary people feel much safer in their homes.

Big Society: Do you really think it is a good idea to empower people to ‘have a go’ themselves?  What if they do so, encouraged by the Home Office,  and get killed or injured in doing so?

May: Well, of course, we’re not suggesting that everyone will want to be a ‘Good Samaritan’ and beat up thugs, yobbos and benefit scroungers, but if they do and survive, we should reward them by not prosecuting them for murder or assault in our courts.  My plans will also reduce police costs and that is very much in the national interest.

Big Society: Yes…..how are your plans going to put more Police on the streets by cutting the police budgets?

May: We are going to reduce costs by cutting down on the evidence… sorry… paperwork….. that Police officers have to provide.  This means that there will be more of them on the streets than there are now with fewer policemen.  People will feel safer when they are out beating up thugs, yobbos and benefit scroungers.

Big Society: So your thinking is highly developed then?

May: I like to think so.  I am tough.  I can and will be tough.  We are going to empower people and control our Police better by replacing highly professional senior Police Chiefs with a rag bag of nutters voted for by the general public.  We saw how well the hung parliament worked when people got what they wanted… our game-changing Coalition… being able to choose their own local nutter to run their local Police force will empower people and get me off the hook, because I will be able to hold the people to account for not doing ‘their’ job.  Simples.  Tough love, would you not agree?  I’d better get back to The House…. I have to read a Nutshell book on Criminal law so I’ve got a vague idea about what I can and can’t repeal.  Nice talking to you..and… as Dixon of Dock Green used to say when people felt safe in their houses killing burglars… mind how you go.

Big Society: Bye, Theresa, You know you can come and talk to us any time you wish.

Lawyer’s disclaimer! All, well some it,  entirely fictitious and made up… obviously.

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Big Society House,   Day 3, 1:05 pm – Nick Clegg is in The Diary Room

PODCAST VERSION

The part of Big Society was played by Charon and Nick Clegg was played by Tim Kevan, author of BabyBarista

Listen to the programme (5:03 mins)

Big Society: Hello Nick.  How are you settling in?

Clegg: Hello Big Society.  Well, we got off to a cracking start, apart from Vince telling The Times that he wasn’t that keen on the Coalition with the forces of darkness and preferred to cosy up to the Dark Lord. Oh, and I suppose it isn’t that helpful that we have probably irritated quite a lot of our members…. but in the national interest, and certainly mine, sacrifices have to be made.  The wheeze to ensure the coalition stays together and to keep us in power until 7th May by proposing a 55% majority to dissolve parliament hasn’t been that well received and it was unhelpful, almost unpatriotic some would say, for Charlie Falconer to refer to ‘zombie parliaments’ on Newsnight

Big Society: Are you feeling pressured?

Clegg: Good grief no.  I went to Westminster, born to rule and all that… they call us Old Wets, you know… we can hack anything.  As Giles Coren said only this morning in The Times, Old Etonians, or OEs as they are better known,  and Old Wets take this sort of thing in our stride.  It is expected of us… we wear our learning lightly, you know.  I wasn’t that happy with Giles telling everyone, however, that dear old George Gideon Osborne was cleverer than me and David, so I’d like to put it on record that St Paul’s is, as Giles so rightly described it, Grange Hill without the girls in a concrete building south of the river.  Enough said.

Big Society: Are you going to have enough to keep you busy?

Clegg: Good grief, yes.  Hang on…what do you mean?   Of course I am going to be busy, making speeches all over the country explaining why I sold my party and my principles down the river.  This will take a great deal of my time and is in the national interest.  We are at the start of a game-changing era.

Big Society: You haven’t got a department to run.  Don’t you feel a little bit marginalised?

Clegg: Good grief, No.  I am Lord President of The Council – I am sure I’ll find out what that means soon enough if I can get ten minutes with Dave – and I am, of course, Deputy Prime Minister in charge of reforming parliament.

Big Society: That’s going well, isn’t it?  Your Tory housemates are all delighted by that, delighted that you fell for it hook, line and sinker.  The crowd outside are baying for blood.  Do you think you’ll be the first to be evicted from The House? Does that trouble you?

Clegg: Good grief, No.  I’m an Old Wet.  I can handle anything… born to it. I’m very relaxed. It is time this country understood that we are in the midst of a hung parliament, a major financial crisis and that  tough love is needed.  The 55% majority  to ensure that we remain in power is in the national interest and is game-changingly game-changing. Between you and me, Big Society… I think Vince will be the first to jump ship… sorry, I mean.. be evicted from the House.

Big Society: If you don’t get evicted from the House before 2015, when are you going to start your election campaign to remind the country that there is a Liberal-Democratic party… or are you going to stay in bed with Dave forever..and become a Tory?

Clegg: Good grief, no.  ………….. Sorry, Big Society…. I can’t answer that question… hadn’t really thought that through…. I’d better talk to Dave and see what he thinks and come back to you… that is how Coalitions work in the national interest… Bye for now, Big Society…

Big Society: Bye, Nick… come back and speak to us anytime you like.

Lawyer’s disclaimer! All entirely fictitious and made up… obviously.

***

Lawcast 167: Carl Gardner on the 55% rule and the civil liberty reforms planed by the LibCons

You might like to listen to a podcast I did with Carl Gardner on the 55% rule and the Civil Liberty plans of the new LibCon axis of evil/paradise party…. you choose… you are the Kingmakers after all

Listen to the podcast



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