Archive for May 16th, 2010

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Big Society: 9.05 am – William Hague is in The Diary Room

Big Society: Hello, Foreign Secretary.

Hague: Hello. We think a great crisis is coming for Europe. The last thing Britain should do is associate ourselves with the fastest shrinking part of the world economy.

Big Society: Ah…. I see you have settled into your new role well….So we don’t need to discuss Europe today, because, obviously,  you have no foreign policy thoughts about Europe. Is that why you jetted off to Washington in an unslavish way?

Hague: It was important to see The Secretary of State so she could be told, firmly, what our position is.  It is all very well President Obama calling Dave and saying how important the ‘special relationship’ is to him, but the truth of the matter is, under Brown, it wasn’t.  Do remember that Obama has one Kenyan parent and our foreign policy in Kenya all those years ago wasn’t to the taste of many Kenyans… indeed, any Kenyans. Britain is not exactly top of his list of favourite world destinations.  This is why he sent the bust of Churchill which has been in the Oval Office for years back.  Some regarded that as an insult.  This is why he shook hands with the policeman outside Number 10 – who he found much more amusing and interesting than Gordon Brown. Britain and America do have a special relationship and we must work together to undermine the Liberal-Democrats in our country and, for the moment, in our government.

Big Society: You once said of a former deputy prime minister…The Deputy Prime Minister will present a bill that is rambling, over-inflated, illogical and ridiculously cumbersome – funny coincidence, that.”…  Can you see yourself re-cycling this marvellous quote in relation to the new deputy PM who doesn’t seem to have a job in government?

Hague: I can tell you this…. that when Dave goes off to a meeting with a member of a centre-left party  and refers to himself as a liberal, he is on manoeuvres, and is busily building coalitions as only he can.

Big Society: Now you are back from the United States, what is your first priority apart from marginalising the liberals in your new LibCon coalition?

Hague: Failed parties and widespread poverty of thinking are problems growing today but are scarcely new in human history. But on top of these problems, worrying enough in themselves, come two central challenges which are immense in their scope and which the world has never had to face before. The first of these is the certainty of irreversible damage to the Liberal-Democratic party. Our Coalition, which as you know I negotiated. It brings a very real threat to the very existence of that party, if you listen to the new and eloquent Secretary for Business describe the predicament of a party,  no part of which is now visible as a separate party save for a few remote parts of Scotland, where dissenters like Ming and Charlie hold court.  The Maldives, no part of which is more than six feet above the sea,  may well have a problem if the climate change experts are right, but it will take hundreds of years before they disappear and they can plan.  The Lib-Dems could disappear by Christmas.

Big Society: So your hasty post-election coalition was part of a grand plan… as has been suggested by conspiracy theorists all over Twitter?

Hague: Indeed.

Big Society: And your thinking on relations with the rest of the world?  China, Russia.. for example?

Hague: Not only is the world not converging around our new democratic norms – global freedom suffered its third year of growth in 2008 – but older  democratic nations like , France, Germany and even Italy, Spain and Portugal all once run by dictators,  do not necessarily share our view of how to conduct foreign policy. China, Zimbabwe and the recent elections in Afghanistan are more in line with our current practice – you only need to look at the way we handled things with all those long queues of voters unable to vote to see how Britain is catching up with these new democracies.

Big Society: Any plans to invade Iran?

Hague: In Britain, “Liberal interventionism”, which started in America, has generated much debate and we are more than happy to subscribe to it and invade Iran if they don’t do what they are told and the Americans invite us to help.  It is in the national interest that we continue to invade countries, not least, because it gives good employment to our national armed forces.  We must not disconsolately cease to make the effort. Foreign policy is above all about the protection and promotion of our national interest, and even narrowly defined and limited by lack of money and  the mess the last government left behind them, the British national interest requires our continued fully active engagement in invasions of other countries. No other nation or group of nations are going to increase the protection they afford us, and the essential alliance we enjoy with the United States  depends directly on us continuing to do what we are told by them.

Big Society: Isn’t that rather slavish?

Hague: Not at all.  This is a time of great financial crisis, a time of great hardship – and as we are going to inflict great hardship on the people of our country, we must not drop our guard and lose opportunity to do so on other countries as well with our friends across the sea.  Our new Liberal-Democratic friends may have to search long and hard in what is left of their consciences, but by the time we get around to Phase Two at the end of the year it may well be too late to return to the Liberal-Democratic party. There won’t be one.  Why do you think that Dave has appointed 20 liberals – nearly half their party – to government posts?  Collective responsibility is only part of the answer, the other part is that either they will have to become National Liberals and join us as Tories or return to being an unruly and irrelevant rabble in Parliament – as I know them to be having negotiated this coalition – and be mocked by all, even the DUP and SNP.


Hague’s Mobile Rings: Dave… Yes… I’ll be with you shortly.  I’m in The Diary Room with Big Society, setting our record straight for the people who didn’t vote for us.  I’ll be with you at the National Security meeting shortly… is Clegg coming?……. Ha Ha Ha – excellent… the tree huggers and sandal wearers will have apoplexy when they hear  he has approved our plans to go into Iran with the Yanks.


Hague: I’ve got to go, Big Society.  Good talking with you… we must do this again.  I’ll get my new Lib-Dem secretary to give you a call and liaise.

Big Society: Bye Foreign Secretary…. I’m always here… you know you can consult any time you wish….


Lawyer’s disclaimer! All, well some it,  entirely fictitious and made up… obviously.

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Podcast: Big Society – Theresa May is in The Diary room

Download the podcast


(5.08 minutes)

The part of Big Society was played by Charon.  The part of Theresa May was played by Natasha Phillips, author of the Divorce Manual blog

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