Archive for July 5th, 2010

I arrive at the London office of Muttley Dastardly LLP in The City on time and I am taken to the Muttley Dastardly LLP Partner’s room – now  dramatically re-named ‘The Star Chamber”.  Eva Braun, the elegant Thierry-Mugler suited PA to the charismatic CEO of Muttley Dastardly, Matt Muttley, had already served me with a non-disclosure agreement and a draft superinjunction at reception where I was searched for knives and other weaponry and put through a new money scanning device, so I am not able to describe the changes to the room after the recent announcement in The Lawyer that Muttley Dastardly LLP has confounded expectations by not only increasing revenues but also the all important PEP by a significant 78% over last year.   I am at liberty to reveal my brief talk with Matt Muttley about his recent advertising campaign and the prospects for young lawyers at his firm.

Matt Muttley: Good of you to drop in.  It is always a pleasure to be asked to give my thoughts and vision on matters legal by hacks from the legal press.

Charon: I am not a hack and I am not from the legal press

Matt Muttley: Really?  What are you doing here?  Are you a client?  If so…. welcome… how may we assist?

Charon: I am here to talk about your recent advert in the legal press…and your trainee recruitment plans….. and your thoughts on legal education generally.

Matt Muttley: Of course….  Yes… Dr Strangelove, our Director of Education & Training,  mentioned that you were popping over…. good to meet you.  You have nine minutes.  I try to do at least 25 minutes Pro Bono work a year.  This will be marked down for 10 of those minutes.

Charon: A rather unconventional approach to advertising?

Matt Muttley: Really?  I would have thought rather more honest than all the happy clappy stuff cluttering up law school websites and law firm recruitment pages showing happy smiling students?

Charon: Well… yes.. you have a point.  I can’t really disagree with you there.

Matt Muttley: Excellent.  Next question… you have seven and a half minutes.

Charon: What is your key point to recruitment?

Matt Muttley: Our raison d’etre and the maxim we operate by and under is Strength & Profits.  Honour went out of law some years ago.  Law is a business..not a vocation and business rules should and, here, apply.  Partner wealth, Mr Charon…that is the alpha and omega.  It is remarkably straightforward.  We recruit those who share our values.  We do not ask those who do not share our views to share our views…we are a principled Libertarian law firm in that regard  – and we certainly won’t employ them.  Fortunately, despite the appearance of sundry clowns from the Liberal-Democratic party – a party which may well cease to exist in as little as six months –  we have a government which understands the need to build strength through profits – hence the deficit cutting.  We applaud those who want to build a fairer society.  I, personally…and through our black psyops Twitter and Facebook unit run by Dr Strangelove,  know many people who waste fantastic amounts of time twittering and blogging to achieve their aims.  I marvel.  That is their choice.  I am the last person to criticise them for their beliefs and views. I am an anarcho-liberal capitalist. That is just fine and we would not dream of interfering with them, largely, it has to be said, because they are unlikely to be clients of this firm…or, indeed, trainees at it….. – but, by the same token, we must be free to pursue our goals and I am grateful that some right wing political  blogs are putting sufficient pressure on the government, even this government, to remind them that we can go elsewhere to ply our trade.  The internet has given lawyers and bankers the freedom to give advice anywhere and take our revenue generating capabilities and tax revenues with us.

Charon: And your thoughts on legal education?

Matt Muttley: We plan to buy a law school – there are good revenues to be made. We may even buy a university, can the unprofitable stuff and go from there…but we may have to buy a law school first.  I’m sorry… I really have to go.  Goodbye.

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