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Archive for August 20th, 2010

PRESS RELEASE

Matt Muttley, the charismatic and astonishingly wealthy managing partner of specialist City law firm Muttley Dastardly LLP, announced today the launch of their new management consultancy specialising in giving advice to law firms.  The management consultancy will trade under the Megaladon LLP name.

“Realising how badly a lot of law firms are managed, particularly smaller law firms where the lawyers, completely untrained in finance, management, IT, risk management or HR, believe, bizarrely, that they can actually run a business, we saw an opening to offer advice to ensure they go bust even more quickly than they would be able to do by their own endeavours.”

From today, any law firm which wishes to go bust, get involved in the latest social media nonsense, buy self help courses or manuals, or just continue to work ineffectively – but with our ‘seal of approval’ –  may do so with the advice our specialist team of consultants –  all of whom have  had three weeks of intensive training as consultants.

We can offer you advice on:

1.  How to really use Twitter to piss off your clients and put off potential clients.  For a modest ‘uplift on our fee’  we will reveal the secrets of the Twitter *DM* function so you can really *get to people*.

2.  How to write seriously banal articles for placement on law blogs worldwide or in your new ‘Newsletter’.  If you don’t have a newsletter we can provide a suitably bad one for you so you blend in with much of the rest of the legal world.

3. How to motivate your staff with our NEW! *5 point Work Them To Death Tough Love* programme

4.  Teach you the secrets of SEO so you get banned by Google

5. We can even design a truly horrific website – although we accept that we may not be able to improve on the truly horrific website you already have.

Overstaffed?

Not a problem! – our consultants will come in, watch you work inefficiently for a week and then go away, pretend to do a lot of work and come back with some fantastically complex charts, algorithms and incomprehensible explanations as to why you need to shed at least 30% of your overhead and staff immediately.  We may even pray in aid some techniques from the mystics and bring along some quartzite and a psychic octopus – at no extra charge!  We may even suggest you fire your accountancy firm or back office so that  our team of trainee accountants  can take over.

We are committed to a smaller, but more professional, legal profession. We will ensure you help us achieve our aims and yours.  Our fees are eye watering – basically we ask you how much you charge your clients and then treble the hourly rate. Disbursements are randomly generated,  but we will provide full supporting receipts for your talk with the Official Receiver.

Don’t delay – act now – you can’t afford to lose time…time is money… and it is OUR money you are spending once you engage us.

Note for Editors

Matt Muttley is available for interview – but a fee of £850 will be charged for this.  You will not be permitted to take photographs or actually be in his presence.  The interview will be conducted by video – we will see you, but you will not see him.  For an additional £150 Mr Muttley will personally arrange for his secretary to sign a copy of his new book The Journey to Astonishing Riches – A manual for those who want to be as good as he is!

[I had rather a good lunch – eating some filo pastry with soft white cheese, parsley, mint and onion.  Lebanese.  I enjoyed them so much I ordered three platefuls of them – baffling the waiter – and washed them down with some superb Lebanese Rose.  I took two glasses.  The fact that I now feel slightly bilious because 12 of these filo pastries is rather a lot, is neither here nor there.  My post was inspired by a superb article in The Independent by….. ]

Johann Hari: The management consultancy scam

“We were proud of the way we used to make things up as we went along”, he says. “It’s like robbing a bank but legal”

I hope Mr Hari does not object to my being inspired to produce the nonsense above… or borrow the strapline for the Megaladon LLP advert above.

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