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Archive for February 5th, 2011

001jcc/01/5/11 – Judicial Community Commissioner

Closing date: 08 February 2011

Location: Big Society

Salary: Starting at £1,935 with the potential to rise to £2,529 in time.  Successful Judicial Community Commissoners will be rewarded in the New Year Honours List…possibly.

Reference: oo1jcc/2011/bigsociety

The new Judicial Community Commissioners are an integral part of the new Big Society drive to bring policing and justice direct to the community. Judicial Community Commisioners will be  assigned to dispense a variety of good old fashioned “British Values” Justice  in their community.  Whilst the post holder will be allocated to a specific office base, there may be a need for flexibility to work on an ad hoc basis at other local community spots.
Duties may include:

1. Ducking yobbos and other sundry undesirables
2. Encouraging the local community to throw fruit and vegetables at aforementioned yobbos and undesirables
3. Trial by Ordeal for more serious offences
4. Dispatching post.
5. Ordering stationery.
6. General ad hoc office duties, including preparation of MP expense forms for IPSA
Candidates must possess a minimum of 1 GCSE and this must include English Language to comply, after a fashion, with European Convention and Human Rights Act  laws on guilt, should it transpire that offenders are actually not guilty.  Following the Prime Minister’s seminal speech on Saturday 5th February on Multiculturalism;  jihadis, extremists and others who do not wish to subscribe to the new British Big Society way of life will not be considered.  This is a full time/fixed term position until May 2015 when we win the next election on the new AV electoral voting system. Liberal-Democrats are, of course, welcome to apply, should there be any left to so apply.

NOTE: You should note that all successful applicants will be subject to a  criminal record check (because we certainly won’t be letting you vote, let alone do this important job, if you are a prisoner)  if we still have the capability to do these checks after the Chancellor has implemented his prudent and considered policy to cut the deficit which we inherited from the last government led by the recidivist and economic revisionist Gordon Brown.

Please note that we do not accept any applications by CV or External application forms returned via e-mail.  The reason for this is that we are a government department and we appear not to have the ability to implement any sensible or workable computer based systems.

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I am, I suspect,  one of many who are completely baffled by the increasing tendency for prime minister David Cameron to talk through a hole in the top of his head in a  stream of polspeak platitudes.  It is difficult enough trying to fathom out what he means by ‘Big Society’. We can forgive ourselves for being unable to work out what he means – most of his conservative MPs and policy advisers don’t seem to understand it either.

Cameron: My war on multiculturalism

Independent: No funding for Muslim groups that fail to back women’s rights

Today’s foray into multi-culturalism, prompted no doubt by Angela Merkal’s decision that multi-cultural Germany is a disaster, was equally bemusing;  not so much for the content of the speech (one understands the basic idea but it does appear to be one of his more simplistic expositions) but in the implications. Has he really thought things through or is this just another instant bit of kneejerkitis to pacify the ravening horde of backbench MPs and the more extreme wing of the The Sun and Daily Mail readership? Before we know it, someone will rise from the Tory backbenches and say that the Mexicans are all flatulent and lazy…and then where will we be?

I’m orf for a large glass of wine to refresh my interest in living in Britain under this lot… or, indeed, any lot of professional politicians who seem to have lost touch with who we British really are…as it happens, a remarkable mix of people and ideas…probably incapable of sensible definition…as it should be in an intelligent and interesting and largely ungovernable society.

Anyway… who cares what I think (or what anyone on twitter thinks) on a windy Saturday morning…? We’d all be better off tilting at windmills…preferably after a good dose of binge drinking. What do I know…?   I am not a professional politician…. thankfully.

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