001jcc/01/5/11 – Judicial Community Commissioner
Closing date: 08 February 2011
Location: Big Society
Salary: Starting at £1,935 with the potential to rise to £2,529 in time. Successful Judicial Community Commissoners will be rewarded in the New Year Honours List…possibly.
The new Judicial Community Commissioners are an integral part of the new Big Society drive to bring policing and justice direct to the community. Judicial Community Commisioners will be assigned to dispense a variety of good old fashioned “British Values” Justice in their community. Whilst the post holder will be allocated to a specific office base, there may be a need for flexibility to work on an ad hoc basis at other local community spots.
Duties may include:
1. Ducking yobbos and other sundry undesirables
2. Encouraging the local community to throw fruit and vegetables at aforementioned yobbos and undesirables
3. Trial by Ordeal for more serious offences
4. Dispatching post.
5. Ordering stationery.
6. General ad hoc office duties, including preparation of MP expense forms for IPSA
Candidates must possess a minimum of 1 GCSE and this must include English Language to comply, after a fashion, with European Convention and Human Rights Act laws on guilt, should it transpire that offenders are actually not guilty. Following the Prime Minister’s seminal speech on Saturday 5th February on Multiculturalism; jihadis, extremists and others who do not wish to subscribe to the new British Big Society way of life will not be considered. This is a full time/fixed term position until May 2015 when we win the next election on the new AV electoral voting system. Liberal-Democrats are, of course, welcome to apply, should there be any left to so apply.
NOTE: You should note that all successful applicants will be subject to a criminal record check (because we certainly won’t be letting you vote, let alone do this important job, if you are a prisoner) if we still have the capability to do these checks after the Chancellor has implemented his prudent and considered policy to cut the deficit which we inherited from the last government led by the recidivist and economic revisionist Gordon Brown.
Please note that we do not accept any applications by CV or External application forms returned via e-mail. The reason for this is that we are a government department and we appear not to have the ability to implement any sensible or workable computer based systems.