T0: JezzaPunter@gov.uk.org
From: The Godfather@YoudontneedtoknowwhereIamfrom.com
Subject: An offer you cannot refuse
You remember when we eat cornettos at Nardini’s in Largs, West of Scotland, last year I say to you… Someday, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me..? Well – that day has come. Capische? This man Cable…he has an attitude problem. I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse if he don’t back down on his hostility to me taking complete control of the olive oil business in Inghilterra. Capische? I have sent Don Vinnie Cable some fishes. It’s a Sicilian message. It means he sleeps with the fishes..”
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T0: The Godfather@YoudontneedtoknowwhereIamfrom.com
From: JezzaPunter@gov.uk.org
Subject: RE: An offer you cannot refuse
Yo Don Corleone! Good to hear from ya.. I am fully in favour of your taking over complete control of the olive oil business in England, Wales, Northern Ireland and even Scotland – although I should warn you that in Scotland, although they have a penchant for deep frying everything, I don’t think they use olive oil. I’ll get Giorgio Osborno to ‘fix it’. I am honored and grateful that you have emailed me on the wedding day of your daughter. And may their first child be a masculine child. Buona sera. LOL”
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T0: The Godfather@YoudontneedtoknowwhereIamfrom.com
From: JezzaPunter@gov.uk.org
Subject: Good news
I emailed Chancellor Osborno to say that I am seriously worried that we are going to fark this up. Hey presto I hear on the news that Dr Cable has been sacked from his quasimodo-judicial responsibilities to determine your bid to control the olive oil business in Britain because of his ‘unfortunate’ remarks to two very pretty girls posing as constituents but who were, in fact, journalists who haven’t been arrested for anything yet. Remarkably… and I Coulson’t make this up – we still have a few journalists who are not on bail somewhere in Britain.
I have received a very cryptic email from Giorgio Osborno…”I hope you like the solution’. Minutes later, would ya believe it, I get a text from the prime minister “Jezza, I’d like you to fix, by which I mean, handle… this olive oil bid from Don Corleone. I know you will do what is right so I don’t have to trouble the independent chap I appointed who handles references for breach of the Ministerial Code. Capische? ROFLMAssangeOff. LOL DC”
This means I now have to work out what Quasimodo-judical responsibility actually means and completely set aside my enthusiastic bias in your favour before deciding that you are a ‘fit and proper’ person to control the entire olive oil business in Britain. What larks eh? Grazie, Jezza.
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T0: The Godfather@YoudontneedtoknowwhereIamfrom.com
From: JezzaPunter@gov.uk.org
Subject: RE: Good news
This Quasimodo-judicial responsibility doesn’t mean bent up like da hunchback guy on top of Notre Dame does it? We are going legit. I don’t want no bent judicial antics unless you can keep it out of #Leveson. That Leveson… he remind me of Luca Bratzi.. who was a very scary guy I used to enforce the rule of law.
I said that I would see you right in my papers because I had heard that you were a serious man, to be treated with respect. But I must say yes to you and let me give you my reasons. It’s true I have a lot of friends in politics, but they wouldn’t be so friendly if they knew my business was running newspapers and television companies instead of olive oil which they consider a harmless vice. But newspapers and television, that’s a dirty business.Capische?
From now you deal with my son Michael. Capische? He likes a lot of texts. And you don’t mouth off in Parliament – Capische?
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T0: The Godfather@YoudontneedtoknowwhereIamfrom.com
From: JezzaPunter@gov.uk.org
Subject: RE: Good news
Congratulations on taking over the olive oil business in Britain. I am sure you will miss the FBI in New York…. ROFL LOL Jezza.
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STOP THE PRESS! UPDATE
And it came to pass…
Mr Jezza Punter MP, Secretary of State for Don Corleone, Michael and Spumante (DCMS) was duly summoned before The Leveson Inquiry. He wriggled like a worm on a hook while he was grilled for six hours. A nation watched with popcorn, marvelling at the exquisite questioning of a leading Silk – delighted to see a politician squirm, as his naivety and astonishingly reckless behaviour was ripped from him, as a butcher chops up a dead animal, stripping the flesh from bone and laying out the truth of the matter.
Despite the best endeavours of the leading Silk, Louise Unmenschionable MP was quick off the mark with a tour of TV news studios to declare to an astonished nation that Mr Jezza Punter MP had been ‘completely exonerated’ at The Leveson Inquiry, that he had never done anything wrong… EVAR… and that the prime minister ofered him ‘his full confidence and support’ and there would be no Breach of the Ministerial Code reference. Ms Unmenschionable MP then went on twitter to grandstand and glory in her own self importance before making plans to highjack HM the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee to promote herself on twitter over the holiday weekend.
Sadly… the Coalition did not end happily ever after.. it still goes on doing U-Turns with the enthusiasm of a spin dryer at the end of the wash cycle.
THE END
BREAKING NEWS….
From LoveandGarbage: BREAKING: Bletchley Park set task of breaking ministerial code
In association with 
Charon QC 