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Archive for the ‘West London Man’ Category

When last we saw George, he had been detained by American authorities at La Guardia Airport, initially for a rather poor diamond-smuggling effort. Subsequently he was implicated in the various crimes committed by disgraced financier Bernard Madoff…..

Listen to the audio version (14mins 43s)

Download the script

The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes

***

Episodes 1-25 may be found here


(West London Man 26 was written and produced by US lawyer and blogger  Colin Samuels and Charon QC.  Colin Samuels took the parts of Hank ‘Perry’ Mason and Madoff.  Charon took the part of The Narrator and George.)

I am not at liberty to explain if George survived his encounter with Bernard Madoff at The Reichenbach Falls… you will have to listen right to the end of the audio version to find out…

***

My thanks to Cellmark for encouraging  George’s return….

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Episode 26 is being recorded this Sunday…and George will return…after a period of time following his escape at La Guardia airport, USA….

 

(You may find the audio versions are a bit surreal…. )

West London Man (25) : The La Guardia Archipelago
Text Version
| Audio Version

West London Man (24) : Diamonds are not forever
Text Version | Audio Version

West London Man (23) : Half baked Alaska?
Text Version | Audio Version

West London Man (22) : It is crunch time
Text Version | Audio Version 

West London Man (21) : Upwardly beautiful and officialdom
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West London Man (20) : A trip to Sainsbury’s
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| Audio Version

West London Man (19) : A short holiday in Padstow, Cornwall
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West London Man (18) : Der Peitsche
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West London Man (17) : Jolly Snorting Weather….
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West London Man (16): “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
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West London Man (15): 15 – love to George…
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West London Man (14): Royal Ascot – First Day
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West London Man (13): Friday 13th…
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West London Man (12): Panic buying
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West London Man (11): Biscuits
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West London Man (10): Caroline talks to a friend….
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West London Man (9): Short suits and other matters…
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West London Man (8): Legal advice…
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West London Man (7): Pre-dinner….
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West London Man (6): At home…
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West London Man (5): To Lords for a spot of cricket…
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West London Man (4): A bit of gazundering…
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West London Man (3): Talks Stagflation….
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West London Man (2): A trip to Lords is coming up…
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West London Man (1): With the first hot weekend of summer…
Text Version | Audio Version

***

My thanks to Cellmark for encouraging  George’s return….

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West London Man 25: The La Guardia Archipelago

Following his arrest at La Guardia Airport  in New York City (Episode 24), George has been relieved  of the diamonds and jewellery he received from financier Bernard Madoff and is now a guest of the American authorities in a nearby detention center. As an Englishman with refined cultural and culinary sensibilities, George considers these austere surroundings akin to an outer circle of Dante’s Inferno or perhaps to Scotland. His defense counsel, the well-known New York lawyer Scott Greenfield, shepherds him through the American legal system while his wife, Caroline, secures matters on the home front.  Although storm clouds continue to gather, George has resolved that he will not be broken by his present circumstances. Allowed writing materials by his captors, he has begun to compose an epic memoir….

To find out what happened you’ll have to listen to the podcast or download the script. The podcast has great music and sound effects as well as some pretty ‘classy’ acting!

Listen to the podcast (14 mins 21 secs)

Download the script in pdf format

Notes:
West London Man 25 was written by Colin Samuels, Scott Greenfield and Charon.  Colin Samuels and Diane Jankiewicz played the parts of the La Guardia Detention Centre guards.  Lawyer Greenfield was played by Scott Greenfield, a well known criminal defense lawyer in New York and author of the Simple Justice blog

Other episodes of West London Man

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WEST LONDON MAN 24: DIAMONDS ARE NOT FOREVER.

Listen to the podcast audio version.. complete with music and sound effects…

Finally rid of their unwanted house guests, failed American vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her family, George and Caroline decamped West London for a three-week break over Christmas, skiing in Verbier, France.  Now home, the children are staying with Caroline’s parents before returning to their Montessori school next week.  George has poured himself the better half of a bottle of Burgundy and is settling down to catch up with his reading in the financial press.  Caroline walks into the drawing room with a package.

***

Caroline: George… we’ve got a package from the United States… how exciting….

George: Oh, hell.  It’s not from the Palins, is it?  They stay for bloody ever and now they send us a dead animal or something as a [affecting exaggerated American accent]”big thank Y’ALL!”

Caroline: I don’t think so… it’s from New York.  Do you know anyone in New York who could have sent you a package?

George: I know a lot of people in New York, darling… but none of them would send me a Christmas present… they are bankers.  They don’t do Christmas; they’re not big on celebrating the birthday of someone who overturned money-lenders’ tables in the temple.

Caroline: Well… it’s a sizable one….  The au pair signed for it and left it on the kitchen table.

George: Really?  Well, open it and see what it is.

Caroline: Oh my god….. George… there are diamonds… big ones… LOTS of them….  There is also a watch… a very swish watch… expensive… a solid gold Rolex with diamonds encrusted around the dial. And there are several pairs of mittens.  What the hell is that about?
George: Caroline… I’m a bit busy, darling… don’t wind me up….  It was a dead animal from the Palins, wasn’t it?

Caroline: I am being serious… here… look for yourself… there’s a note… to you!

Caroline walks over to George and empties the package onto the coffee table.  George stares in disbelief….

George: Christ on a bicycle…. Bloody hell….  Oh, my fucking god!

Caroline: What is it?

George: This note… these are diamonds from Bernard Madoff… the guy who has just been arrested for a $50 Billion Ponzi pyramid fraud… the biggest fraud the world has ever known.  These are diamonds he doesn’t want the US authorities to know about… he sent some to his family as well and they shopped him.

Caroline: Why would he send these to you?  How do you know this man, George?

George: He’s just a casual acquaintance… a dinner or two… and… perhaps a couple of years back, I… might have sent him a few millions of the firm’s petty cash….

Caroline: Well, it’s not as though your firm was the only one which lost money with him.

George: Um… strictly speaking… not everyone at the firm approved of the investment….  It was a bit hushed.

Caroline: How hushed?

George: Unapproved… strictly speaking….

Caroline: Good lord!  You’re mixed-up in this?  George, you cannot become involved… just tell the US authorities and return these things right now.

George: Are you crazy?!  In the present climate knowing Madoff is not a brilliant idea…. The money’s gone… all gone… poof….  I’m going to have to get advice on this. I have to get these diamonds back to New York without anyone… and I mean anyone… knowing.  This is serious.

Caroline leaves; George reads Madoff’s note: “George, I’ve got a bit of a problem, as you may have heard.  Before the wolves reach my door, I thought I’d send you these cherished items for safekeeping.  Your assistance now is, as always, much appreciated.  I’ve always known we’re kindred spirits.  Yours, Bernie” Oh, fuck.

***

George makes a couple of panicked phone calls and books a flight to New York for the next afternoon.

The next morning, he assures Caroline that he will set things to rights before they get more out-of-hand; he tells her that he is flying to New York to see a lawyer and that he has sent the diamonds to the lawyer by courier.  In fact, George still has the diamonds, concealed in a briefcase.  He makes his way to Heathrow and arrives several hours later at La Guardia Airport in New York.

***

La Guardia Airport
US Customs and Immigration

Immigration Officer: What is the purpose of your visit, sir?

George: Purely social.  I’m meeting up with a friend… a personal friend… on personal business… I mean just… casual… informal… you know.

Immigration Officer: Uh huh. I see that you are a regular visitor.  How long will you be here this visit?

George: Oh, just for a day… then I’m flying back to London.

Immigration Officer: Just one day?  You flew all this way to see your friend and you’re just staying one day?

George: Yes!  I’m just going to see my friend.  I… um… missed him… my friend… uh, terribly.  Dear friend.  Like a brother.

Immigration Officer: …OK, OK.  I don’t need your life story.  Enjoy your stay, sir.

Flustered, George makes his way to a nearby washroom and changes into a long black coat and black hat and puts a false beard on.  He calms somewhat when he sees the results; he thinks his Hasidic diamond merchant disguise is quite convincing.

George regards his reflection in the washroom mirror: Hello, Rabbi!

***

Customs Officer: Anything to declare?

George: Absolutely nothing, nothing at all.  I’m a diamond merchant.

Customs Officer: You’re a diamond merchant and you have nothing at all to declare?

George: Wait! I’m a diamond dealer… I have this ONE diamond to declare!  For which I am fully prepared to pay all the appropriate fees, of course.

Customs Officer: Of course.

George: I deal in diamonds.  And I’m Hasidic!  A Hasidic diamond dealer!

Customs Officer: I see that, sir.  Got any other diamonds with you?

George: Other diamonds? Oy vey!  Ha, no, no other diamonds… none at all….  This place is crawling with thieves… I’m not… um… messhugah…. I just have the one diamond.  I’m here to buy some other diamonds, though….  Just a mensch with chutzpah looking to buy some diamonds… officer… um [looking at name tag]… “Goldstein.”  Splendid.

At this point George turns suddenly; the false beard catches on his coat button and falls off onto the floor.

Customs Officer: How about you collect your beard and come with us?  Let’s *kibbitz* about whatever’s in that case of yours.

George is taken to a small room by two armed officers; they quickly discover the remainder of the diamonds and the gold Rolex watch.  Some hours later, he is allowed a phone call and dials Hank “Perry” Mason, an old friend who’s now a lawyer practicing in California.

***

George calls Hank Mason… ring ring… ring ring….

George: Pick up, pick up….

Hank Mason: Hank Mason, good morning.

George: Perry… thank God you are in.  I’ve got a problem.  I’m at La Guardia… I’ve been arrested.

Hank Mason: You’ve been arrested?!  Why have you been arrested, George?

George: They claim that I was smuggling diamonds….

Hank Mason: Smuggling diamonds?  Obviously a mistake… Jeez, George, I thought you’d really done something…. Just tell me what happened and we’ll go from there.

George: My false beard fell off….

Hank Mason: What?!  Your false beard fell off?  What the fuck were you doing wearing a false beard?

George: I wanted to look like one of those Hasidic diamond merchants… black hat, long coat… look like a diamond dealer… told them I was buying diamonds in New York…. I thought that would be a good story… good business for America in these troubled economic times….  I can tell you… your Customs guy was not amused when the effing beard fell off and he found all the diamonds and the gold Rolex watch.

Hank Mason: Oh, fuck.

George: They’re not mine, Perry!  They belong to Bernard Madoff, you know, the….

Hank Mason: LA, LA, LA, LA!  Shut the fuck up, George!  Not another word!  You need a lawyer… another lawyer… one who knows a bit about criminal defense and isn’t in California….

George: I couldn’t agree more… I can almost hear these guys getting the waterboard ready…. I’m in hedge funds, Perry, I short-sell bank stocks, gas, electricity… I’m not a bloody criminal….

Hank Mason: Christ!  My firm doesn’t have anyone who does this kind of thing, much less over there.  I’m going to have to make some calls, George….

George: If it helps, I was able to Google a few names….  There’s a fellow here in New York who’s not only a top criminal defense counsel… he also has a blog and according to something called… uh, “Twitter,” he also happens to be a member of the English peerage… an Earl of some sort.  That might help.  His name is Scott Greenfield.  Can you call him?  I don’t know whether I’ll get another phone call from these customs gentlemen….

Hank Mason: OK… relax… I’ll call him right now.  Do you need me to call Caroline?

George: Caroline?  Oh, Caroline!  Yes, would you?  Let her know that I’m… um, detained… and I may be a bit longer here in the States.

Hank Mason: A bit longer, yeah.  Listen, George, stay where you are… I’m calling Greenfield now.

George: Fine… I’m not exactly going anywhere…. I’ve got manacles around my ankles and my left wrist is chained to another chain around my waist.  They even took my beard, Perry….

***

Hank calls Greenfield’s office… ring ring… ring ring….

Hank Mason: …yes, thank you, thanks…. [pause]… Mr. Greenfield!  Thanks for taking my call… my name is Hank Mason… I’m an attorney out here in California and I have a friend who’s been arrested… he’s from Britain and he’s in the clink at La Guardia…. [pause]… Well, he was… smuggling diamonds and dressed as a Hasidic… yeah…. Yeah, and it gets better… they were sent to him by Bernard Madoff. [pause]… Why you?  Well, you come highly recommended and… look, I think he just found your blog Googling on his cell phone… for some reason, he thinks you’re a British lord.  Please, just go see him and do what you can….  The consulate?  I dunno if they’ve been notified… OK.  And in the meantime, I’ll arrange for your fees…. Thank you!  Thanks so much.  I know this is a little weird… OK, more than a little… I really appreciate it… George is a good guy….  I think he’s just having a really bad day….  What’s that?  Well, I need to call George’s wife right now, but then I’d be happy to call this ‘O’Keefe’ fellow and tell him that we hired you because of your blog….

***

Listen to the podcast audio version.. complete with music and sound effects…

The part of Caroline was played by Jo le Huquet.  George was played by Charon and Colin Samuels took the parts of the US Immigration officer, the Customs Officer and Hank “Perry” Mason.

The script was co-written by Colin Samuels of the Infamy or Praise blog and Charon.

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Podcast: West London Man 24: Diamonds are not forever






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Audio Podcast Version: West London Man (23): Half Baked Alaska?

The part of Caroline was played by Jo le Huquet, Hank by Colin Samuels of Infamy or Praise and Charon took the part of George.

Inspired by an email from Colin who suggested and wrote the plotline.

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George has participated in or been just one step removed from numerous social atrocities, but he has always maintained a solid, if somewhat decadent, reputation amongst his friends, colleagues, and social acquaintances.  Soon, however, his darkest secret may be revealed.  Unknown to those friends, colleagues, and society acquaintances, George has distant American relations whom he refuses to acknowledge, much less to discuss.  His heretofore successful efforts to deny his colonial connections are jeopardized when he receives a call that one of these cousins has found herself with time on her hands and will be visiting soon.

George is stunned to hear from an assistant to Sarah Palin, who advises our hero that cousin Sarah will soon be visiting Europe (“to clear her head after a recent setback and to establish strong foreign policy credentials for a future endeavor”) and would like to drop in on him since she knows London is a country in Europe.
***

George is at home with his wife Caroline. George is stressed and has just poured himself a very large Vodka.

LONDON

George: Caroline…  You know I mentioned that I had a distant cousin in the United States?

Caroline: Yes…. you did say something about that  years ago…

George: Er…. I don’t quite know how to bring this up…. but the cousin wants to make a visit.

Caroline: Fantastic, George… wonderful… when?  How exciting.

George: Er…. I think I can find a better word than exciting… in fact I can find two words… fucking disastrous…

Caroline: George!  Language please, pas devant les enfants… what’s the problem?

George: My distant cousin is Sarah Palin… you know… the fruitcake who shoots mooses and runs Alaska, the would be President who can see Russia from her window…

Caroline: Your cousin is Sarah Palin?…. that’s marvellous…. how amusing….. I thought you would be pleased?

George: Well… Caroline….. look at it this way…I deal with US bankers every day… well… those that haven’t jumped off a building or been sacked post Lehman…  and if they find out that I am related to Sarah Palin… however distantly… I’ll be a laughing stock on Wall Street and in the City.

Caroline: I thought you were already a laughing stocking in the City, darling….. I think she’s hilarious….

George: Hilarious is not a word I would have used…. she hasn’t got a clue about politics, economics, banking, the global financial situation and her knowledge of foreign policy and geography is laughable.

Caroline: I don’t really think you and your banking mates can afford to be all high and mighty at the moment.  Your collective greed has wrecked the world…. and I do hope you have stopped short selling banking shares because it is illegal now…

George: Yeah yeah…. out of banking shares….  dumped the lot weeks ago… doing oil and energy stocks now… far more amusing. Look…. I’m going to have make a call to Perry Mason in California…. an attorney I know.

Caroline: Perry Mason is a fictional character, darling.  How much have you had to drink?  It’s only 6.15 and Mother is coming over later.  I don’t want a repeat of three weeks ago when you were roaring and told her that  she should wear shorter skirts, wear brighter lipstick and that you were going to buy her a bright yellow feather boa for Christmas.

George: The guy’s name is Hank P Mason…. we all call him Perry…. even his wife calls him Perry.  I’ll make the call in my study….. shouldn’t be long.

George goes downstairs to the lower ground floor and into his high tech equipped study.  He makes a call to Hank P Mason, Attorney at Law.

Ring… ring… ring….ring

***

PHONECALL LONDON TO CALIFORNIA,  USA

Hank: Hank Mason, Good morning…..

George: Hey… Perry It’s George….. thanks for taking the call… just getting up or have you pulled an allnighter?…. need some advice – a very delicate matter.

Hank: Allright… shoot.

George: Is there any chance you could apply to have Sarah Palin interned at Guantanamo?

Hank: Hmm, it would’ve been easier to intern her in DC, but we missed our chance a couple of weeks ago.  You might’ve heard?  What’s up, George…. do you want advice I can bill you for or are you just juiced up and looking to chat?

George:I couldn’t be more serious… and yes… you can bill on this one…. hit that clock Perry….  I need to stop Sarah Palin getting to London?

Hank: Ontario?

George: London… London…. you know the big City, Southern England near France…. world financial centre London… Big effing Ben London… that one… Christ…. what’s happened to your geography?…  you’ve been here many times… get to New York and straight on… that London.

Hank: (laughing):  OK…. but why…. I didn’t even know she knew where London England was….. is she allowed to leave North America?  How do you know she’s going to London?  Did she call you up?

George: Well yes… Perry… as a matter of fact she did call and tell me… or rather her assistant did.  She’s a distant cousin.. and wants to come to London and see me while she is over here.  She even wants to stay!”

Hank:(laughing):  A distant cousin…. fantastic….. hey… wait till I tell the guys that George is related to the pitbull in lipstick….

George: Perry.. that’s why I am calling… I don’t want anyone to know…. so Omerta…. you saw what happened to George Osborne when he couldn’t keep his mouth shut about Mandelson and Oleg the Oligarch….. I doubt Osborne will even be toasting crumpets in the Whips office soon… even The Telegraph are calling for Cameron to roast him over the fire a la Tom Brown’s Schooldays and then sack him…  I need to keep Palin in Alaska….  so can you get her extraordinarily rendited to Guantanamo or not?

Hank: ‘Fraid not, George.  Obamassiah is getting ready to close Gitmo.  Besides, it was only ever for terrorists and Iraqis without government connections.  If you want to keep her on ice, just sign her to write her memoirs.  Hell, just sounding out the big words might keep her out of your hair for years….. can’t your people do anything… Do you know anyone at the Home Office?  Immigration… your end?

George: The Home Office? Immigration?….look… if Bin Laden flew into Heathrow sitting astride a nuclear rocket like Dr Strangelove we’d probably let him in… The Home Office is hopeless….even if they identified him they’d probably leave him on the train en route to the detention centre. We’ve got hundreds of illegals in this country.  Do you know what the Police do if they find an illegal jumping out of the back of a lorry on the motorway?  They give them a cup of tea, a letter from the Home Office and a map and tell them to make their own way to the nearest Immigration Office… farcical.

Hank: Sorry….. nothing I can do.  Unless you can convince her that you’ve all got Mad Cow again, I’d say Uncle George is getting some quality time with little Trig…

George: OK… OK… I gather she has been offered $2 million to appear in a porn movie? and I read today that she’s going to guest in Desperate Housewives….

Hank: Really?  I heard she’s going to be the Eleventh Doctor.  Pip, pip, and cheerio, old chap.

***

Audio Podcast Version: West London Man (23): Half Baked Alaska?

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Podcast version: West London Man (22): It is crunch time…

George and Caroline had what may be their last foreign holiday in Tuscany for some time during the latter part of August until mid-September and George returned to the gathering financial storm. George is flicking through the financial press and chatting idly to a mate of his after a long day at work.

Dave: What do mean you are going to phone the Archbishop of York and see if he can lend you some mining shares to short sell?  How much have you been drinking

George: I’ve only had half a bottle, Dave….The Archbishop of York has accused us all of being bank robbers and asset strippers for short selling …. but the real laugh is that the Church  Commissioners, who manage the Church of England’s investments, set up a currency hedging programme, in effect short-selling sterling to guard against rises in other currencies…. and according to mumbo jumbo think tank Ekklesia the C of E has shares in mining and oil companies.

Dave: But isn’t that what we do all the time… weren’t you selling Lloyds TSB shares only the other day?

George: Ah…. yes…..  but can’t do that anymore…. verboten… hanging offence.  Government has banned it because they don’t want to have to buy up every bank in Britain just yet… may have to keep their powder dry for that if the bozos in the Republican party don’t get their act together and vote for the bail out.

Dave: Shame about Peter… I was talking to him earlier… he’s not taking his sacking very well.

George: Peter couldn’t cut it at a major league bank, went secondary… now the secondary banks can get prime beef from Lehman at a good price… cheaper to fire the veggie bankers and bring in the carnivores.  That’s the way it is.

Dave: Well…. it just goes to show that greed doesn’t always work….. bet you are glad you didn’t go into investment banking…. you could have been in the same boat.

George laughed: Yep…. too greedy I was told at the interview… too much of a risk…. ironic.

George flicked open his laptop and started looking at some blogs.

George… laughing: Excellent… some guy called The Fat Bigot has been writing about short selling…. “As for those who engage in short selling being “bank robbers and asset strippers”, that comment merely shows the Archbishop of York to be ludicrously naive. Like so many men who spend their working lives in fancy frocks, he is best kept well away from the real world.”  I couldn’t agree more.

George spent another five minutes or so picking up on blogs he enjoyed reading and then picked up his mobile phone to call his City lawyer friend Hugo..  Ring…. ring…. ring… ring….

Hugo: Hello

George: Hi Hugo…. George here… still got a job?  The word on the street is that law firms are carrying out mass sackings all over the place…. streets are full of lawyers selling matches and shoelaces….

Hugo: Very funny, George… No… I haven’t been sacked.  I’m not a property lawyer.  As it happens we are rolling in it after being called in to sort out the mess you financial boys have made of the known universe.

George: Fancy coming down for a beer?

Hugo: George… it is 7.00.  I am unlikely to finish here until well after 11.00.  We are working closely with the government.  I do not think that they would take kindly to having to go through legal structures with me while I am sitting in the Dog & Duck with you.

George: So… that’ll be a ‘No’ then?

Hugo: Yes… it is a No.  Bye.

George goes back to looking at blogs….

George: Fuck…. Dave… have you see what City Unslicker has written on his blog now?

Dave: No

George: He says that US plan to buy toxics is wrong … I quote: ” But what is needed is for banks to have enough capital to be able to write-down the bad loans now and not go insolvent. To that end, a better plan is to re-capitalise banks and the Government to take a charge on the money, maybe even in the form of shares.”… JESUS… he’s saying that shares could soar and the government could even make a profit….. We’d better get our skates on…. what do you fancy shorting tomorrow….. oil again?

Dave: Yeah… oil is good…. let’s do oil.

***

Podcast version: West London Man (22): It is crunch time…

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West London Man (21): Upwardly beautiful and officialdom – Audio Version

The part of Caroline is played by Jo le Huquet and Charon played the parts of George and Cokehead, the parrot.

Run Time: 4.45 mins

***

George bought a parrot on Monday afternoon from his friend Rick, a musician who played in a band in the 80s.  He thought it would be an amusing pet to have about the house. The children are in bed and  George and Caroline are having a glass of wine together.

Caroline:  So… you have bought a parrot?

George: Yes… do you like it?

Caroline:  What is the parrot’s name?

George: Cokehead.

Caroline: Cokehead!…. right…… Any particular reason for that name?

George: Yes…. he talks absolute nonsense… very quickly.

Caroline: Right…. well that makes sense given the life it has led.  I gather it spends most of the time outside.

George: Yes… a free spirit is Cokehead.  He’ll drop in from time to time.  Just need to leave out some seeds and other parrot food.  He quite likes “What’s my Line” on Radio 4.

Cokehead: When do we go line dancing, George?

Caroline.. laughing:  All we need, a bloody parrot who wants to go line dancing.

George: Did you read that league table in The Evening Standard that tells you where the beautiful people live?

Cokehead: Is that a double white line I see?

Caroline: Yes… vapid, absurd and even more irritatingly Evening Standard than usual.

George: Yes…. but you wouldn’t want to live in Ugly Borough would you?  Apparently the least rated women live in Hillingdon Havering and Waltham Forest… do you know where Waltham Forest is?

Caroline: George… No I don’t know where Waltham Forest is…. this is boring.  I’m not interested in the self obsessed and terminally vain, even if they appeal to your warped sense of humour.

Cokehead: Warp factor five, Mr Zulu… We’re off…. whooosssshhhh…

George: Did you see that some judge….  Judge Cottle…. is going to bang up binge drinkers…. zero tolerance… lock ’em up even if it is a first offence?  Another cleverly thought out bit of judicial busybodying…. prisons are already full to bursting, so this judge is going to clear Exeter of binge drinkers by banging them up.

Caroline:  I think you will find that he did qualify his remarks by saying that he would imprison binge drinkers if they committed serious crimes of violence.

George: Oh right…  so not just for binge drinking then?

Caroline:  No, George

Cokehead: Double vodka Rick, please.

George is flicking through various newspapers and is becoming progressively more impatient.

George: This is ridiculous.  £110 fine for over-filling a bin while some thieving scumbag only gets an £80 fine for nicking stuff from shops… and…. Christ…. what about this?….  guy takes a photograph of a police car parked in a bus bay…. and the police question him under the Terrorism legislation….. … and here’s another one…. security guard at a shopping mall prevents people from taking photographs in the shopping mall because of terrorism threat…. this is just fucking ridiculous.

Cokehead: Chop chop…. chop chop…. don’t use the Oyster card!

George: God…. the bloody olympics start on Friday…. They’re all going to be drug tested.  Some Italian fencer has already been found out.  Apparently the next thing is injecting DNA into the body…. not detectable.  Frankly… I’d find it far more interesting if they allowed athletes to use any drug they choose…. I’d love to see someone high jump forty feet into the air.

Caroline:   Did you know that Amnesty International estimates that 374 people will be executed during the Olympics?

George: No!… who?….  journalists?

Caroline rolled her eyes heavenwards, sighs and picks up her glass of wine.

Caroline:   No, George… not journalists…. chinese nationals who have committed crimes.  71 offences in China carry the death penalty according to Amnesty.

Cokehead: Here comes the Candyman…. Good evening, Mr Candyman.

Caroline… laughing: George… I love the parrot…. but we just can’t have a parrot talking about line dancing and candy men and ordering double vodkas…. I’m sorry, darling … but it will have to go.

***

West London Man (21): Upwardly beautiful and officialdom – Audio Version

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Other West London Man episodes may be found: here

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