POSTCARD FROM REX CHARON MP

I am grateful, at this time of the ‘Great Snows’, to be offered the opportunity by my brother Charon QC to speak directly to you…the people of Britain. While my brother persists with the delusion that he is a socialist, I take a rather more pragmatic line. It is certainly true that I became an MP at the height of Mr Blair’s popularity in 1997 and I remember, with almost a wistful tear in my eye, the scenes as a young Tony Blair walked into Downing Street.  This was a happy time, a time before Blair decided to embark on selective regime change after prayers with a United States president who hailed from Texas, and started being selective with…shall we say..certain factual material.

While Quentin Davies shuffled across the floor from the Conservative Opposition benches to much fanfare; my own move over to the Conservative benches barely raised a murmur.  This, as it happens, was most useful to me and I met some very fine people like Duckhouse Viggers and Hogg ‘The Moat’,  who explained the intricacies of the expenses system to me.  Many happy hours were spent, I can tell you, poring over the John Lewis catalogue and checking the fine print in the Green Book… but there we are.

Suffice it to say that my own political future is secure. Iain Dale has, as near as dammit, told me so personally with his blog post earlier today that we can expect a 12 seat majority in the next Parliament.  As I come from an extreme right and entirely unelectable wing of the Conservative party –  had I not been fortunate  in representing  a constituency where they wear tweed coats (they do not call them jackets) and red trousers – all will be well.

The great ‘Plot’ from the Hoon-Hewitt Novelties Co (Established 2010) appears to have fizzled out and dear Matthew Paris, a former MP, must have  had hours of pleasure constructing an elaborate analysis and in coming to the conclusion that far from failing as a plot…it succeeded.

His central theme was that Hoon-Hewitt knew perfectly well that they could not succeed and with no prospect of a meaningful career in politics remaining, they decided to give the prime minister a kick in the political balls.   Political commentators and newscasters, taking a break from reporting endlessly about snow while they stood around in the stuff, had varying degrees of success in keeping up with events last week and Nick Robinson – who really is barely intelligible at times, had absolutely no success at all in terms of political prognostication.  Asked by Andrew Neil on The Daily Politics whether there was any truth in the rumour that a plot was coming, Robinson  indulged in a bit of sycophantic laughter and said that Neil was ‘right to place no credence in the idea’.  About ten minutes later the great ‘sayer of sooths’ was on BBC News solemnly reporting on the ‘Coup’.

A few of us from the entirely unelectable end of the party –  if we didn’t have the good fortune to represent constituencies in the Tory  shires – did enjoy Guido’s film over lunch at Claridges.  It really is worth a watch..and while you are at it.. you might care to look at the latest GuyNews: Save our Gordon edition where my brother Charon QC  is, somewhat implausibly,  making a guest appearance right at the end.

While Cameron is enjoying his place under the sun lamp – or so it would seem from his heavily photoshopped appearance on the latest poster from Tory HQ – George Osborne has been very quiet.  This, some of us suspect, is because he doesn’t have a great deal to say and does not wish to add to the impression that we have no fixed policies and fuel the  creeping realisation by voters that we may not have a clue….  after the debacle of David’s appalling performance earlier in the week.   I know that there have been murmurings that George may have been..shall we say… over promoted ……and that we would do better with Ken ‘The Bruiser’ Clarke as Chancellor.

It has just been drawn to my attention (by a fellow twitterer @johnhalton) a reasonably recent article from The Spectator: …

Osborne’s crazy admission

Montgomerie Andrew Rawsley’s column today:

“Mr Osborne raised some eyebrows at a recent private meeting in the City when he was heard to remark that ‘40% of my time is spent on economics’ – meaning that most of his hours are spent on campaigns and tactics. Mr Osborne seemed to think that 40% was an impressively large amount of his time to find to spend on economics; some of his audience thought it was a worryingly low proportion for the man who expects to be chancellor in less than a year’s time.….Of course, it’s no secret that Osborne has other responsibilities within his party.  But for him to push this “40 percent” line during an economic crisis is utterly bizarre, and will just fuel chatter that he’d be better off elsewhere in the Tory operation.”

Then some PR spinner decided that it would be a good idea to give the government a bit of ‘beasting’, toast their buttocks in front of the fire a la Flashman,  and blame them for the snow and lack of grit. I have a feeling they would have been better to leave out the snow and talk of a lack of grit on the party of Labour of a different kind – but our ‘masters’…in their wisdom, with an open goal, decided to run with this… duly picked up by The Independent

Tories blast ‘utter failure’ on grit reserves

This allowed that most subversive of Labour MPs on Twitter, Tom Harris MP, to post this tweet earlier today.

As I am on the subject of Twitter… I did enjoy this…

Cam The Man, as I believe some PR and advertising mavens are thinking of calling him to appeal to Sun readers… came up with this on Thursday.“We’ve got to have an election and a change of government,” Cameron told Radio 4’s Today programme. “Gordon Brown has only been prime minister for a couple of years and is in deep trouble.”

I resisted the impulse to tell Sir Harry Blundering-Smythe MP (We were taking breakfast together on expenses at Browns Hotel – Tory backbenchers of a ‘certain cut’  like a bit of irony) – who looks after the adjoining constituency, that should David become First Lord of The Treasury and Prime Minister he could probably manage to get into deep merde within a couple of weeks.

Anyway.. they have now come up with another wheeze… Go for an immediate election. ToryBear was certainly up for bringing it on on Sky. This is a marvellous idea.  Not only have we not got nearly enough policies worked out yet – which the electorate will swallow with the enthusiasm of a binge drinking  fellatrix on a night out in her high heels and short skirt – we’ve still got Chris Grayling, Shadow Home Secretary, lurking out there in the deep,  like a latter day JAWS, giving demonstrations to all and sundry on how to kill burglars to prepare them for the happy day when we return to our rightful place as the ‘Ayatollahs of  New Britain’.

On that note, ladies and gentlemen… as they used to say on Crimewatch… don’t have nightmares… it is only politics…

You know what to do with your ballot paper

Good on you…

Rex

My brother Charon QC  has asked me to insert a drawing he has just knocked up… to give a bit of political balance to this postcard of mine.

STOP PRESS – UPDATE Saturday night 10.30

@iaindale Blogpost: Peter Watt: Gordon’s Part in My Downfall http://tinyurl.com/yzqc59v

This is beyond parody.  I have never been keen on Brown…  but this ain’t good for Labour either. I assume, of course, the Mr Watt is aware of the law of this country in relation to accuracy and libel.

***

My postscript of last night has been superceded by my post today: A matter of principle or principal?

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On the eve of G20 Britain leads the world in bizarre politics…

The Ranting Penguin sums it up rather well… “What a tragedy for My Lord Myners, to fall so spectacularly from grace so fucking quickly after his elevation to the peerage so he could serve in Gordon’s Government of the Talent Free” .It would seem that Lord Myners may  not be fit for purpose and according to Sir Tom McKillop, former RBS Chairman, he did know about Fred The Shred”s massive pension. Conservative MP Michael Fallon, a member of the committee, said that Lord Myners had misled Parliament and should resign.

President Obama has arrived in our sceptred isle on Airforce One and two women prattled on for what seemed hours about absolutely nothing as far as I could hear on the BBC’s pointless live coverage. Obama shook hands with Alistair Darling and then jumped on a US helicopter to be transported to the US Ambassador’s residence.  There is no record of whether he asked Chancellor Darling if he knew if  Jacqui Smith’s husband had an orange penis. BBC hyperventilators, it is believed, think not.

Chase me, ladies, I’m in the cavalry reports: Fritzl’s Approval Ratings Fall Below Brown’s

“The approval ratings of Austrian rapist Josef Fritzl have fallen below Gordon Brown’s according to a Daily Mirror YouGov poll published today which suggests that Brown would win a 20-seat majority at the next election if the Conservative Party were led by Fritzl. Just over 7% of those polled said they were satisfied with the prime minister’s performance, compared to 3% for Fritzl, and 11% for burglars. Brown must hold an election by June 2010 or declare himself Lord Protector.”

Douglas Carswell MP does his best to keep the flag fl;ying by writing on his blog:

Another reason MPs are resented
There’d be much less resentment over MP perks if they were all brilliant at representing the country.

Gordon Brown, out of the blue,said: “Stop cash for MP’s second homes’… finally aware, unsually for our prime minister, of mounting public irritation with troughing MPs.   It would seem that we can’t even hold a party at the House without police having to be involved. The Independent reports : “Police used CS spray to break up a scuffle in the Houses of Parliament last night, arresting a man who was a guest at a drinks reception hosted by Conservative Party chairman Eric Pickles.”  The hunt is on from the bloggers and the journos for the ‘miscreants’.

And, just to show that we are really on top of things in Britain we are even letting that absurd posturing miniature Frenchman, President Sarkozy,  into the country – even after he said that that ‘Anglo-saxons’ are to blame for Le Crunch-Credit. This may well be true but we don’t need to take any lessons from The Frenchies about anything – well, apart from rugby, perhaps wine making, cooking, film making, literature – and all the good things in life.

In the preceding paragraph I am simply following in a fine tradition perfected by Goebbels (See comment on Boris article)  and now used by Boris Johnson to great effect…  of appearing to say one thing, yet saying another….. although Boris does it with rather more style and elan.

And finally…before I nip off to see if the Police have started spraying CS gas about or if any protesters have started arriving in tanks – do visit Obnoxio The Clown in the morning with your coffee… today he is direct and to the point with his Send Your MP a couple of photos campaign: “Print them off, stick them in an envelope and send them to your MP. Maybe the fuckers will get the hint this time.”

Oh… and, rather bizarrely, my brother Charon QC has taken to doing imaginary podcasts with Gordon Brown.

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Rex Charon MP: Report from The House (1)

There is, of course, no truth in the story reported in The Telegraph that Her Majesty has taken to Twittering.  I am grateful to Ed of Blawg Review for passing this information to me from across the Pond. When I saw the email from Ed I wondered if my brother, Charon QC, was on a one way trip down The Thames to The Tower after his recent promotion of UK Bloggers currently playing on the front page of Blawg Review itself. On this occasion Charon was not involved in the dissemination of nonsense to members of the Fourth Estate. While Charon likes to be called Charon, pronounced in his faux ancient greek way ‘Karon’, I prefer the more inclusive, the more modern and relaxed mode of address… so please…  do call me Rex.

Yikes…. crikey… I’d better be careful if I am not going to sound like Boris who, interestingly, covered the Harman fiasco by describing Sir Fred The Shred in these words.. “With his cheeky-chappie smirk and a 12-bore crooked irritatingly over his arm, this is the man who has come to incarnate all the worst vices of the financial services industry. Sir Fred has become the epitome of the bankers who collectively occupy a place in public opinion significantly lower than cannibalistic paedophile global-warming deniers….”

Chase me, ladies, I’m in the cavalry keeps us up to date with what Tony Blair is up to but notes “my campaign to have him hanged has yet to bear fruit…”

With The Bank of England reducing interest rates to 0.5% and easing itself into a position for a spot of Zimbabwean  ‘quantitative easing’,  I’d like to refer you to an amusing piece by John Redwood MP on his blog the other day which gives a fair summation of the state of the nation: Statement by UK PLC CEO on his visit to the US.  I provide a small taste of the caustic analysis to come from Redwood’s pen… “It is a pleasure to visit our US partner company at a time of unparalleled expansion and success. Our joint formula of “putting the losses back into business” is working well. On both sides of the Atlantic governments are able to report big leaps forward in trading losses from a growing range of talented loss making businesses in which governments have shares. Our joint formula of “never knowingly undersubsidised” is proving especially popular in our financial subsidiaries….”

Our Prime Minister is somewhere in America at the moment. I have absolutely no idea where, nor care that much, but he did manage to see Obama and talk to some bemused americans bussed into Congress to fill the place when the real guys went AWOL.  Guido Fawkes takes up the story: ” The coverage of Brown’s trip on American broadcast networks – what little coverage there was – was humiliatingly bad for Gordon. This excerpt gives you an idea. This broadcaster used words like: Wounded at home … wanted a news conference… got a low key meeting … didn’t seem to mind being the American President’s poodle …. Brown is desperate … the President pointedly didn’t make any promises about a global new deal…”

Hedging my bets, like that Quentin Davies  guy who did a runner some years ago from the Tory benches to the Labour – only, quite probably, to lose his seat at the next election… I’m going to give a bit of spin to Labour with this story reported by Recess Monkey: “Tory candidate Jacob Rees-Mogg is in hot water after sending a letter to voters in North East Somerset that had been almost entirely plagiarised from a piece by Trevor Kavanagh in The Sun. Rees-Mogg denies plagiarism, instead blaming an assistant. Sounds like he will go far...”

Obnoxio The Clown has a rather alarming picture of Foreign Secretary David Miliband in a post entitled Trixy, baby…

While David Miliband does have an image problem, judging by Obnoxio’s pic post, Tom Harris MP asks “Does my bum look big in this?”

While I share my brother’s antipathy towards all gods of whatever persuasion etc etc, I tend to be pragmatic when meeting future voters and prevaricate, dissimulate, traverse and evade with the best of them so as to retain their interest in voting for me.  The Coffee House, the in-house blog from The Spectator, reports “Blair did God a lot more and a lot earlier than the press realised.”

Sorry seems to be the hardest word. A rather lame new website from Conservative Home called “Sorry from Gordon” seems to have been launched this evening.  It is unlikely that I will be visiting… unless of course, as Lord CashnCarry would say “You’ve got to whet my appetite to get me on board.”

Biased BBC covers the Brown trip to the US with the comment “Brown Broadcasting Corporation : I wonder if the BBC can realise just how pandering this Kevin Connolly article is to Gordon Brown’s chosen narrative of his trip to Washington?”

Although I can see no particular political advantage to myself by bringing your attention to a Lib-Dem story (I would need a lot of appetite whetting to get me on board  as well as a 400 point poll lead predicted by pollsters)  – let me refer you to The Devil’s Kitchen: Chris Huhne: fuckwit plagiarist

If you need to be kept up to the very minute with what our political masters are up to – I use it so that I can give some semblance of what is going on should I be stalked by a constituent and for my future appearances on Question Time – Politics Home will do the business for you…. and, of course, you may get some pleasure from reading the political blogs collated on Insite Law’s Netvibes Politics blog page.

I’ll be doing a weekly review of political stuff, possibly even more often – but this very short review, as my first post,  will, I hope, give you a taste of how Westminster is viewed by political bloggers… and don’t forget the ravening horde of commenters on Guido’s blog (and other blogs) .. the humour can be ripe… but so is politics.

Right then… that’s quite enough freebie work for me for the day. I have a John Lewis catalogue to study… in detail.  Mind how you go…  as Dixon of Dock Green used to say… Government IS out to get you.

Rex

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