MEMORANDUM
PARTNERS / EYES ONLY
From: Matt Muttley, CEO and Managing Partner
To: Partners
WEEKLY BRIEFING
1. America: The BP saga continues and with it I am pleased to report that our growth will continue on the back of this most unfortunate and tragic man-made disaster. The CFO, Dr Hans Calculus, advises that our holdings in BP were sold at a pleasing price and on behalf of the partners I have sanctioned a naked short sell on the BP position which should net further profits, allowing us to increase our holding in BP at a future date – which I suspect will not be long in coming. President Obama appears to share the confusion which many Americans have about England, Britain and United Kingdom. He now appears to be confusing BP with Britain. Anti-British sentiment in the United States can only serve our interests at the firm however and our psyops unit will continue to ferment discord on twitter to further improve this position. I have written to President Obama to this effect…
Dear Mr President,
BP is an oil company. Britain is the schmUK helping you with your war mongering in Iraq and Afghanistan. You will note, being a lawyer yourself, that the words ‘helping’ and ‘with’ predicate that we are your ally. Our country is next to Europe on Google Maps. You may recall our former prime minister, Mr Gordon Brown, referred to Obama Beach at a recent memorial to celebrate the memory of those who fell in battle on D-Day. You were there. That is Europe.
Kind regards
Matt Mattley,
CEO and Managing Partner, Muttley Dastardly LLPStrength & Profits
2. Government: I note with pleasure that Mr Cameron gave short shrift to President Rumplestiltskin of Europe on the matter of our European friends having a look at our budgets in advance. I am pleased to report that consultancy advice we gave to the Prime Minister – for which we charged a deficit friendly fee, by which I mean the same fee but dressed up to look like a discount – went down well and that Europe is now to see the budget the moment the Chancellor stands up in Parliament. The fact that everyone in Britain will be able to do the same on BBC television did not occur to The President of Europe, so Mr Cameron was particularly pleased at the humour in our advice and promises to consult again when he is troubled by the Europeans.
3. Law & Order: There have been some pleasing developments. It is always a pleasure when government starts looking into Law & Order. With the Human Rights issue being kicked into the long grass with a Commission, and confusion reigning at the Home Office and The Ministry of Justice on the ‘Kill a Burglar’ project it shouldn’t be difficult to ferment some discord on the issue of legal aid, extradition, rendition and the like to force some good old fashioned knee jerking changes in the law to benefit us and the legal profession generally. I have asked our esteemed Director of Education, Dr Strangelove, to distribute some articles throughout the blogs and post on twitter about US use of torture, rendition and other matters which can only lead to further advice being requested of us by government ministries; impacting as it does on the role of our own government in such matters in the past.
4. Politics: The Labour Party has saved itself from general ridicule by coming up with a plan to bring it further ridicule – by manipulating the rules and persuading MPs to nominate Diane Abbott so there is at least someone who doesn’t wear a navy suit, a white shirt and a red tie, standing for leader. It would be most advantageous to us if Diane Abbott became shadow home secretary. She knows a great deal about civil liberties and is better placed than anyone else on the Labour opposition front bench to give the government a hard time on civil liberties reform and secret evidence and the like. Partners may have missed the election of Simon Hughes as deputy leader of what is still, bafflingly, called the Liberal-Democrat Party. The implications are that Hughes will be a de-stabilising influence in the coalition. This together with the ever simmering Vince Cable can only ensure a gradual parting of the ways and the beginning of the end for the coalition. It is likely that an election will be fought not in the early part of 2011, but in the Autumn. Labour may well be in a position to take advantage of the general ridicule of the electorate for the flawed policies of the present government as they start to reveal very real pain to many and general dissent and alarm in the land.
Partners will be interested in this observation by Guido Fawkes….in connection with Mr Hughes:
It looks like tuition fees, which Willets is less than subtly hinting are rising, will be the first coaliton dividing battle. Funny how obvious the correlation is between being disgruntled and being a failed former leadership contender. Ming, Kennedy and Hughes could whip up quite a yellow rage about this one, and many more to come…
I look forward to our lunch in the partners dining room at 1300 hours. Eva Braun is laying on some entertainment for us. I believe that she has found a dog which can sing Italian Opera and dance at the same time.
That is all.
MM
Strength & Profits
First we had the Liberals and then out popped the Social Democrats…the bastard love child of Labour malcontents and these two genetically similar antecedents begat the Liberal Democrats which like many with biologically related parents suffers from both an excess and deficiency in some departments namely an inability to know whether they wish to travel left or right in their path to power or oblivion. If in the latter direction might we be soon witnessing the birth of a grandchild….The Demi Liberal Conservative Party or better still The Condemnable Party.