West London Man (21): Upwardly beautiful and officialdom – Audio Version
The part of Caroline is played by Jo le Huquet and Charon played the parts of George and Cokehead, the parrot.
Run Time: 4.45 mins
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George bought a parrot on Monday afternoon from his friend Rick, a musician who played in a band in the 80s. He thought it would be an amusing pet to have about the house. The children are in bed and George and Caroline are having a glass of wine together.
Caroline: So… you have bought a parrot?
George: Yes… do you like it?
Caroline: What is the parrot’s name?
George: Cokehead.
Caroline: Cokehead!…. right…… Any particular reason for that name?
George: Yes…. he talks absolute nonsense… very quickly.
Caroline: Right…. well that makes sense given the life it has led. I gather it spends most of the time outside.
George: Yes… a free spirit is Cokehead. He’ll drop in from time to time. Just need to leave out some seeds and other parrot food. He quite likes “What’s my Line” on Radio 4.
Cokehead: When do we go line dancing, George?
Caroline.. laughing: All we need, a bloody parrot who wants to go line dancing.
George: Did you read that league table in The Evening Standard that tells you where the beautiful people live?
Cokehead: Is that a double white line I see?
Caroline: Yes… vapid, absurd and even more irritatingly Evening Standard than usual.
George: Yes…. but you wouldn’t want to live in Ugly Borough would you? Apparently the least rated women live in Hillingdon Havering and Waltham Forest… do you know where Waltham Forest is?
Caroline: George… No I don’t know where Waltham Forest is…. this is boring. I’m not interested in the self obsessed and terminally vain, even if they appeal to your warped sense of humour.
Cokehead: Warp factor five, Mr Zulu… We’re off…. whooosssshhhh…
George: Did you see that some judge…. Judge Cottle…. is going to bang up binge drinkers…. zero tolerance… lock ’em up even if it is a first offence? Another cleverly thought out bit of judicial busybodying…. prisons are already full to bursting, so this judge is going to clear Exeter of binge drinkers by banging them up.
Caroline: I think you will find that he did qualify his remarks by saying that he would imprison binge drinkers if they committed serious crimes of violence.
George: Oh right… so not just for binge drinking then?
Caroline: No, George
Cokehead: Double vodka Rick, please.
George is flicking through various newspapers and is becoming progressively more impatient.
George: This is ridiculous. £110 fine for over-filling a bin while some thieving scumbag only gets an £80 fine for nicking stuff from shops… and…. Christ…. what about this?…. guy takes a photograph of a police car parked in a bus bay…. and the police question him under the Terrorism legislation….. … and here’s another one…. security guard at a shopping mall prevents people from taking photographs in the shopping mall because of terrorism threat…. this is just fucking ridiculous.
Cokehead: Chop chop…. chop chop…. don’t use the Oyster card!
George: God…. the bloody olympics start on Friday…. They’re all going to be drug tested. Some Italian fencer has already been found out. Apparently the next thing is injecting DNA into the body…. not detectable. Frankly… I’d find it far more interesting if they allowed athletes to use any drug they choose…. I’d love to see someone high jump forty feet into the air.
Caroline: Did you know that Amnesty International estimates that 374 people will be executed during the Olympics?
George: No!… who?…. journalists?
Caroline rolled her eyes heavenwards, sighs and picks up her glass of wine.
Caroline: No, George… not journalists…. chinese nationals who have committed crimes. 71 offences in China carry the death penalty according to Amnesty.
Cokehead: Here comes the Candyman…. Good evening, Mr Candyman.
Caroline… laughing: George… I love the parrot…. but we just can’t have a parrot talking about line dancing and candy men and ordering double vodkas…. I’m sorry, darling … but it will have to go.
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West London Man (21): Upwardly beautiful and officialdom – Audio Version
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Other West London Man episodes may be found: here
Charon QC 