As I have a fair number of sins – smoking, drinking, gluttony, lust, – to go for four of the seven deadlies... and it being Easter n shit, as the young say these days in the vernacular of gr8 2 c u m8, I thought a quick trip to see my cousin Cardinal Charoni di Tempranillo in The Vatican would be a 
good idea even though I am a confirmed and devout non-believer. Cousin Charoni likes to keep his hand in with apostolic blessings and exorcisms and says that I am a good subject to practice these arcane skills on.
For those of you so disposed.. why not visit The Pope online?
So there we were, sitting in a Bar in Rome… he dressed in full mumbo jumbo kit including the red mitre, me dressed in a battered drizeabone and sporting an even more absurd moustache than on the last occasion we met at Christmas. I asked him if he was ready, rather as I do with interviewees when I do podcasts.
“Charon … Io sono pronto a fare il lavoro di Dio. Avete la vostra carta Amex? “
I had absolutely no idea why Charoni had to speak to me in Italian and, later, in Latin. He speaks perfectly good English. He explained later that as in the legal profession, a little bit of mumbo jumbo, a bit of ‘foreign’ and a dead language adds solemnity to the proceedings and gives the client a feeling of getting their money’s worth. He asked for my Amex card.
“Nemo dat quod non habet… I cannot give that which I do not have.” I replied, entering into the spirit of things.
Charoni looked shocked; a similar look of shock I saw on the face of a guest some years back at a dinner at my apartment in West London when a bottle thrown by one of my friends sailed past (I eased gently sideways to avoid being hit) and crashed through the closed window to the lawns three floors below. I should explain that it was our practice at my dinners to throw empty bottles out of the window onto my lawn below. It saved carrying 12 or so bottles downstairs the next day. There was science behind this idea. Ordinarily, the window would be left open for this purpose.
“It is OK, Charoni” I said with a smile “I have Euros. I assume you take cash… this being the greatest tax avoiding nation on Earth?”
“Indeed, Charon.” Charoni replied, slipping the Euros into a secret pocket in his red robe.
“Well… get on with it, man!” I said impatiently, quaffing a decent amount of Chianti to prepare myself for the mumbo jumbo. Charoni stood up, raised his right hand and intoned sonorously “Indulgentiam, absolutionem et remissionem omnium peccatorum vestrorum, spatium verae et fructuosae poenitentiæ, cor semper penitens, et emendationem vitae, gratiam et consolationem Sancti Spiritus; et finalem perseverantiam in bonis operibus tribuat vobis omnipotens et misericors Dominus.”
“Will that do the business?” I asked, lighting a cigarette. “Am I absolved of all my sins?”
“Charon… you are absolved, indulged and cleansed of impure thoughts and matters temporal… I’ve even added a bit in about your doing good works and that should do the business until Christmas at least. You can have a top up if necessary. I run a new service called http://www.absolutionsdirect.com and all I need are your credit card details or you can pay by Priestpal.”
This done, I went with Cardinal Charoni to a restaurant near the Forum for pasta, some excellent wines from Northern Italy, talked of many things
and I returned to London later that evening…cleansed and mildly over refreshed. With absolutely nothing to declare, I waved at the HM Customs officers hiding behind the one way mirrors in the nothing to declare channel corridor.
So.. it is Easter already
I can’t quite believe that it is Easter already. The time seems to fly. Einstein was right.
It was a busy week in the run up to Good Friday or Godless Friday would, perhaps, be a better description of it in modern secular Britain. The G20 furore covered elsewhere on my blog (here and here) continued to rage. The Police story changed once the IPCC got involved and it now appears that a second post mortem into the death of Ian Tomlinson has been ordered by the IPCC. The Guardian has some rather interesting observations on this today. The Independent notes that the Metropolitan Police appear to be in ‘crisis’.
The farcical story of the week involved Britain’s most senior counter-terrorism cop, Bob Quick, who resigned this week after inadvertently leaking details of a top-secret terror investigation. He was photographed going into No 10 carrying a top secret document for all the photographers to photograph….which they did and, no doubt, blew up so they could see the contents. As a result of this a counter-terror operation had to be brought forward in Liverpool.
The Sun… did the business with this marvellous headline….
For those of you who remember those KwikFit adds from some years back… you’ll get it straight away.
It would seem that Number 10 has been infected by April madness as well and has issued an apology for ‘juvenile emails’.
The Independent reports: “One of Gordon Brown’s most senior aides was forced to apologise for sending “juvenile and inappropriate” emails from a Number 10 account.”
Guido Fawkes who hinted at the story a few days ago broke the story… so over to Guido Fawkes. It is worth reading (as are the 
comments). I quote from the opening paragraph of Guid’s story…
“Damian McBride is desperately trying to throw a smokescreen up tonight with a planted frontpage story in the TelegraphTelegraph’s lobby correspondent, is Damian McBride’s regular drinking companion and tame mouthpiece, so it is no surprise whatsoever to Guido that the Telegraph is being used by Downing Street for damage limitation. which downplays what he has been up to. Andrew Porter, the
The Telegraph implies that Guido has sold the story to the Sunday newspapers – that is completely untrue – Downing Street tried that same line against the Home Office whistleblower. They are also trying to make out that the story is just about Damian McBride sending gossipy emails to his pal Derek Draper. Utter lies.”
And finally for my Urbi et Orbi message to readers this year… from Capitalists@Work – an amusing take on Brown going for a fourth term…
Have a good Easter and if you do believe in a god…. of whatever type… may your god go with you … as Dave Allen used to say..
And if you need it… try this one: “Sancti Apostoli Petrus et Paulus: de quorum potestate et auctoritate confidimus ipsi intercedant pro nobis ad Dominum.” It may… just may.. do the business.
Best, always
Charon
Read Full Post »
Charon QC 