It is fortunate indeed that the infliction of grievous bodily harm on oneself is not, as yet, a criminal offence. Mind you, I don’t suppose that our hapless prime minister, Gordon Brown, would be too enthusiastic about the promulgation of such an offence at the moment. It can only be a matter of time before someone suggests that he should be extradited to face justice at the International Criminal Court for being completely useless and ineffective as a latter day dictator.
This is by the by and I revert to my opening theme. It would appear that I was led astray by Geeklawyer and Jaffne at the Porterhouse pub in Covent garden on Friday afternoon. It appears also that I was so astonished by Geeklawyer’s choice of beer – strawberry beer – that I had to take holy wine immediately and ended up using maritime law to marry them in a tasteless ceremony recorded for posterity on video. It would appear that residence on a houseboat does not, on closer inspection of the relevant maritime law statutes and caselaw, confer the powers of a ships’s captain – the proceedings are, therefore, null and void and the award of ‘Reverend’ from a bogus US university, awarded to be my email some years back, cut little ice with Lambeth Palace or The Registrar of Births, Marriages and Deaths.
So… what has been happening in the week that was?
I went to a most enjoyable dinner last night – a roast beef dinner – cooked by a good friend of mine who, in between swilling white wine with ice in it, managed to cook a remarkably good meal. The company was enjoyable, perhaps too much so, for I found myself doing the ‘walk of shame’ from deepest Fulham back to the boats at 6.00 in the morning – a modest two mile walk; easily done when completely sober, but amusingly unusual when mildly over refreshed. I did not fear being mugged. At 6.ft 1, dressed in a long and battered Australian drizeabone, adopting the fervent glare of a Minister of The Church of Scotland fuelled by porridge, righteousness and asceticism in my eye, it was unlikely that I would be troubled. In any event, hoodies and itinerant professional vulgarians and nutters tend to be asleep at that early hour. I did, however, see some remarkably pissed people staggering down Fulham Broadway, girls in high heels, short skirts and skimpy tops tottering about giggling after a night on ecstasy tablets and a couple of chartered gorillas walking purposefully to cook some books and enjoy the flow of work from credit-crunched companies.
The world did not end on Thursday when the Large Hadron Collider was turned on. I was, however, inpired to begin a new series of “Charon Reports” and have wasted a few hours of what remains of my time on earth commentating upon the fact that Mayor Boris does not want any lawyers on his advisory panel (much to the consternation of some lawyers), that the credit-crunch is biting lawyers and the greatest evacuation of Brits from mainland Europe since Dunkirk following the collapse of an airline. It is unlikely that the news agencies will want to avail themselves of my flak jacketted reporting skills, but I may well continue to report on events as they unfold.
So… what have the Blawgers been up to?
My new Pageflakes page with over 80 blogs I read usefully summarised on one page has been remarkably useful to me in keeping abreast of things.
There is, of course, the 2nd Annual UK LawBlog Conference at a pub on Monday 15th – tomorrow night. RSVP to Geeklawyer’s blog if you wish to attend.
Geeklawyer has excellent video of US lawyers giving a masterclass in bad behaviour…. you just have to watch it… these lawyers go for GOLD – serious piss-heads.
Jimmy Bastard of Never Mind The Bollix continues to wreak havoc from his castle in Scotland with several (some not entirely office safe) pieces. Humiliation was particularly amusing and may well strike a chord with some male readers.
His Holiness on Ron Knee’s Rants provides an insight into modern technology with voice activated stereo systems for cars – a must read for technophiles and those who enjoy black humour.
James Higham of Nourishing Obscurity has a thoughtful piece on his perception of the credit-crunch.
“With all the focus on the idiot in Alaska, we’ve forgotten what truly matters around here: The idiots in Florida” Quizlaw has the story.
The Capitalists@Work blog is bang on the money – and foretold of the XL crash. If you are interested in The City – this blog is well worth a bookmark. They also cover the possibility that Lehmans, a major bank, may go down.
John Bolch over at Family Lore has a trio of interesting law related stories in “Bizarre, Bad and Ironic”. John notes: ” Finally, Relate is celebrating its seventieth birthday this month. For a brief history of the organisation, see this page on their website – I particularly liked the irony of the picture of former patron Princess Diana outside a Relate office.
And so… to the world of the Bloviators
The art of The Bloviator knows no bounds, nor modesty. The political party conference season is underway. Guido Fawkes has an amusing picture of a Nick Clegg Q&A session.
RollonFriday.com reveals that Allen & Overy have had to publicly deny involvement in a Nigerian 419 scam. It seems that Nigerians are becoming more skilled in their use of the net to effect these scams and an email purporting to come from private client partner, Jennifer Chambers, went the rounds. Clearly, some fools were taken in by this – despite the fact that these scams have been around for some time, forcing Allen & Overy to take action. In the same issue of RollonFriday.com it would appear that Freshfields lawyers are the best dressed according Esquire. RollonFriday pricks any tendency to vanity with an amusing comment.
And finally…. a bit of mild politics…
With Gordon Brown puzzled by the lukewarm response to his plan to solve the energy crisis by telling us to close the curtains and buy draught excluders and David Cameron’s Tories barely distinguishable in policy terms from Labour, as yet, it is being suggested in hushed tones that the Lib-Dems, under the charismatically invisible Nick Clegg, may well be taking on the ‘King Maker’ role. I know I may have overdone the juice this weekend, but I had to ask a passing NHS A&E team for oxygen when I read this over breakfast at the Mona Lisa cafe in Chelsea this morning. Nick Clegg is, according to The Indie, convinced that there will be a hung parliament. Time to get out the old speech of ‘wee David Steele’ and say to the faithful… ‘Go home and prepare for government’ ? Gawd bless ’em.
Well there we are…. another life in the week on Das Boot. I’m orf for some more juice.
BREAKING NEWS 20.26 hours from The Ed of Blawg Review….. The School of Life
And… from Dan Hull of What About Clients? | What About Paris? ….. ” WANTED STILL: Of counsel for growing, innovative Pennsylvania-based boutique business law firm with branches in California and DC. You must have at least 8 years of highest level federal Exec. Branch experience, world-wide connections, Yale Law degree, one year at Oxford, own money and people skills. Crowd-pleaser. Must be able to sell anything to anyone. And be originally from Hope, Arkansas.”
Definitely worth a read!
Best regards, as always….
My Dearest Charon,
A wonderful look into the life of the Londinium hierarchy, extremely amusing as ever, but ever so slightly fallacious on one point.
“In any event, hoodies and itinerant professional vulgarians and nutters tend to be asleep at that early hour.”
Maybe in a Guy Ritchie movie, but certainly in Glasgow this is not the case. Speaking of course as one who has in the past (a previous life) deployed these vulgarians on my behalf to collect monies due.
The best time to find an elusive client, collect debts, or just drop in on an unsocial visit, is almost always carried out between the hours of 4-7am.
Should you ever grace the bar of the Cleddans here in Clydebank, it would be more propitious for us both if you were able to ‘fit in’ with the other patrons.
However.. of greater concern to me personally would be that a fellow professional was consuming white wine with ice!
Very nice if you are in a bar somewhere in the proximity of Ayres Rock, but hardly West London society behaviour?
Your’s with tongue placed firmly in cheek, James Ba’stard Esq
Good evening, James
A pleasure to receive your message. I take the point about the ‘knock’…. H M Customs & Revenue employ similar procedures on early morning visits.
Do you think a Drizeabone and a small shotgun hidden in the coat would be appropriate for the Cleddans? The government is nonce (sic) too keen on the carrying of knives these days…. so samurai sword a bit on a non-starter. Curiously, a licensed shotgun is fine.
I should make clear that my friend is not a lawyer. He is from South Africa. Although he now has a fridge…. he persists in old “Africa hand” habits and puts ice in all his drinks. He also likes biltong which, as you know, is quite salty – this may explain the industrial consumption of white wine and gassy lager that he favours. He drinks Red… but only when the white has run out….. as I say, he is from South Africa… and I both understand and accept his quirkiness on this score.
I won’t, however, be taking him to The Palace unless he signs a written undertaking not to ask for ice in the very fine champagne served there at garden parties.
Sir,
It has been known on occasion for the Strathclyde Polis to visit the afore mentioned Cleddans Bar.
Purely with the intention of ensuring that the patronage are adequately furnished with both firearms and other dubious cutting equipment.
If I may make one suggestion as to your attire, it would be more appropriate if a three quarter or full length leather coat be worn on the nights in question.
The leather would have to be an expensive cut, English preferably, black in colour, and be worn over the top of either an Armani or YSL garment.
For the choice of weaponry, I would highly recommend the Purdy 12 guage, side by side (naturally) as when cut down to concealment size, will not spoil the natural lay of the leather.
2.95 kilos to 3.06 kilos can be uncomfortable to carry, so maybe an additional holster can be woven into the semi fabric at point of fitting with your tailors.
You confused me slightly with your mention of ‘licensed shotgun’, surely this is just English snobbery, and one that your Scottish bloodline would not be enthralled with.
As for this South African chappie. I would advise him to use less salt and more brown sugar in the manufacture of his Biltong.
Every Boer worth his boots must surely be aware that only the finest silverside must be used, and must be hung for at least 3 days prior to commencement of the roasting process.
Anything less than this could be deemed as bad form and sadly lack of breeding on behalf of the chef. However, as you pointed out… the man IS from South Africa after all.
Your humble servant, J Ba’stard
My dear Lord Ba’stard of Strathclyde.
I take the point on the choice of a coat. As luck would have it, I happen to have such a coat. As to the choice of gun – impeccable. It would, after all, be a bit tacky to pitch up with an Uzi….. a bit passe…
I apologise, unreservedly, for the use of the word ‘licensed’. I will see my doctor tomorrow about this problem.
I favour Crombie sports coats with a number of additional internal pockets – long cut, naturally. They used to be available from Rowan’s in Glasgow and from Forsyth in Edinburgh – but, sadly, I expect these gentlemen’s outfitters have been taken over by Primark or worse, Harrods.
Fortunately… I have kept my shape, apart from a minor laxity of the lower four six pack muscles and still wear the coat and the Crombie sports coats with some vigour….. they last… appealing to one of my Scots background.
It is time, now, for me to hit the futon…… We shall be in touch…..
I shall pass on your advice to my very good friend from Capetown….. he will, I am sure, understand….
I protest mightily at the implication that I led anyone astray!
As a laydee of high moral standards, I would obviously only have married Geeklawyer if I had been forced by both of you to drink vodka….
Jennie
You are indeed, a lady of high moral standards. I can’t even blame John Bolch this time – it was a great pleasure to meet you – a most acceptably bizarre afternoon !
I enjoyed eating the Tablet you brought down from Scotland until my ears fell off from the sugar shock.!
We shall, I am sure, meet again. Thank you for the git – I shall be cooking some fish recipes from the Scots Fish Cookery book….
I returned from a relaxing weekend break in Norfolk on Sunday after reading about Gordon Braunschweiger sacking his former deputy whip (S+M?) and I had a mind to do a post about the definition of a “dictator” but it appears you have beaten me to it. I am indeed glad that other people think so like minded. It grieves me to the core to see this un-elected chimp dismissing out of hand anyone who dares to challenge his authority. His actions are typical of a desperate tosspot trying to hang on by his fingernails to his “leadership, at any cost” model.
Even his own people are against him and only his truly loyal arsehole-lickers and toadies are speaking out against the Labour rebels, and they dare not commit themselves too deeply as even THEY know that Mr. Braunschweiger’s days can be counted on the fingers of two hands.
He reminds me of the end result of a very large vindaloo eaten by a fat man with terminal diarrhea.
A stinking pile of sh**te which nobody wants.
Ron,
I am puzzled by Brown – apart from the obvious point about secind in command rarely being a good No 1 – at least Blair had a sense of theatre and was articulate.
I read today that the government want to gibve him a bit of time to develop some policies and appear more ‘human’.
He just does not have any real idea at all of hoiw to relate to people want to one….
It will be interesting, and quite possibly, amusing to watch how Labour copes over the next two months….
I may as well keep drinking the juice…
[…] as Grand Wazoo; newly-married GL as Lizard King. Special guest: Albion’s Hunter Thompson, Charon QC. Most Yanks welcome, […]
charonqc: The government may just as well give him a bit of time to develop that bit of chewing gum that he uses for a brain….
[…] as Grand Wazoo; newly-married GL as Lizard King. Special guest: Albion’s Hunter Thompson, Charon QC. Most Yanks welcome, […]