Memo to All Partners from Matt Muttley, Managing Partner
Following the news last week about Max Mosley, it appears that one of our ‘Platinum Club’ clients has run into a similar difficulty.
Briefly, Mr ‘X’ has a penchant for dressing up in viking clothing and going berzerk in Doncaster late on a Friday night. He tells me that he was merely re-enacting the feats of brave vikings – The Bezerkers – who raped, pillaged and went into battle pissed out of their minds after a good night on the lash. [The picture is not our client. I provide it merely to inform those of you who may not be familiar with bezerkers]
The local duty solicitor, who has sought our assistance, reports that the story is rather more difficult. Apparently, Mr ‘X’ shouted at a lot of young girls in short skirts who were wearing white high heels and skimpy tops, struck several of them across the buttocks with his bare hands and then asked a group of hoodies to try and abuse him. Unfortunately, for them, they ‘had a go’. Three of them are now in hospital.
Mr ‘X’ is not overly concerned about the assault charges. He has been reading up in Wikipedia about self defence and is confident he will be able to persuade the local magistrates that he was fully within his rights to defend himself again the drunken aggression of the local hoodie massif. The girls have not pressed charges and are, I understand, taking him clubbing ‘ for a larf’ tomorrow night to do a guest spot at a hen night. I am, as it happens, attending with the client to provide monitoring and to ensure compliance with discovery.
Our client is a well known businessman. He has interests in Sweden and is concerned that the publicity attendant in matters such as these, if the story gets out, will have an adverse effect on his business interests in Sweden. Apparently, he sounds like the ‘mad chef’ from Spitting Image when he goes bezerking and he feels that Volvo motor cars may well say that his conduct is a disgrace and decline further business with him.
It would be useful to have your views. We may well consult counsel. I have just the right chap in mind – a top junior who blogs anonymously under the name Geeklawyer. He has used some unusual techniques to appeal to judges in the past – with some success, I gather. Eva Braun, my PA, speaks most highly of his prowess in court.
Dear Mr Muttley,
I am afraid I must be somewhat disingenious when it comes to Ms Braun’s relations with Mr Geeklawyer; are you sure that it is his prowess in court that she speaks highly of, given Mr Geeklaywer’s predilection for gifting significant numbers of his lady acquaintances with pairs of “Fair Trial, My Arse” knickers, obtained, one imagines, as a bulk purchase from Agent Provocateur?
Kind Regards,
Lawminx
I plead the Fifth… LawMInx… I have enough addictions in life without getting into Fair Trial knickers… if you get my meaning?