AUDIO VERSION
Complete with music and realistic sound effects…. Here
(With an amusing recording of real cricket commentators – a classic piece of cricket commentating history)
West London Man rose early, as the light pushed through the clouds of a West London dawn. It looked like rain…
George took especial care to shave and dress in a cream linen suit, pale socks and brown suede broques from Jones the Bootmaker. He put on the MCC tie he had bought on Ebay and went down to the kitchen. Caroline was looking tense. It was Katja the nanny’s day off. Peregrine (2) was looking at the pictures in the Telegraph magazine.
“Well darling… how do I look?” George asked
“Mmmm… still not sure about you wearing that tie. You don’t know anything about cricket… what if a real member starts talking to you about cricket? They’ll rumble you straight away.”
“Darling” George said with a smile “I’m not going for the cricket… I’m going to get shitfaced with some clients. Don’t worry, I won’t be speaking to any members. I’ll see you back here at about 8.00 this evening, possibly later.”
George turned to his two children and said “Right…. the task today is straightforward. I’ve arranged for you both to be given £5. You are to go to the shops with Mummy and buy sweets at the best possible price and then re-sell them to your friends at the Saturday Club at a profit. The one who makes the biggest profit will get a reward, the other one, as you know, will be fired. Have fun.”
George left the house and stepped into the waiting limousine, a twenty foor foot white stretched monster with blacked out windows. “To Lords Cricket ground via the Oriel pub in Sloane Square to pick up my guests. Thank you.”
George leant back in his seat and poured himself a glass of champagne from the opened bottle in the ice bucket beside him. The limousine pulled up outside the Oriel half an hour later and three gentlemen all wearing cream linen suits with no ties, got into the car.
George and his visitors arrived at Lords about half an hour after that and, as it was raining, went off to one of the champagne tents in the grounds. George checked his Blackberry and saw the BBC cricket report from BBC cricket correspondent Jonathan Agnew on TMS
1320: Pudding can over-run to a third course – it’s still drizzling. If we re-start in this Strauss will have to come out in a snorkel.
FIRST TEST, Lord’s (day three, rain stopped play):
England 89-0 v New Zealand 277
“A magnum of Roederer Cristal please “George asked the pretty waitress behind the counter, producing his ‘Red’ Amex card to pay for it. Duly supplied, George and his three visitors went off to find a table…..
An elderly, distinguished, man at the next table, wearing a battered old panama hat, grey trousers, blue shirt, a MCC tie, and a sports jacket looked at George closely. “Rain stopped play… What do you think of Sidebottom’s show last night. Rather good I thought.”
George turned… “Absolutely…. brilliant innings….. got 97 didn’t he…shame he didn’t do the ton?
“Sidebottom?” asked the distinguished man, with a puzzled tone. “Sidebottom is a bowler, he plays for England and he got five wickets yesterday afternoon.”
“Absolutely brilliant innings “George said enthusiastically, warming to his theme “Yes…. I think the Kiwis are going to have a bit of difficulty getting The Ashes off us this time.”
The distinguished old man looked at his glass of champagne, looked up at George and, face reddening, said “The Ashes? …. We’re not playing for The Ashes…. we play Australia for The Ashes… ”
Fortunately for George his iphone rang.
“George it’s me, Caroline… it’s dreadful…. Katja has just called from the airport to tell me that she has got a job with a bank in Poland and is leaving us…. What are we going to do?”
“Darling… stay calm… stay calm. “George said quickly, pausing to gather his thoughts. “Caroline… phone our solicitor to see if we can get an injunction to stop Katja leaving the country. His number is on my laptop in the Sharks folder.
“George… don’t be ridiculous. How much have you had to drink? We can’t get an injunction to stop Katja leaving…we don’t even have a contract with her because you didn’t want to put anything in writing and… if you remember, we haven’t been paying tax. Do use your common sense. What am I going to do?…. I don’t know even know the new washing machine works.”
“Caroline… yes.. you’re right… not thinking too straight. Google cleaning agencies and see what they come up with. Put an advert on Gumtree. I’ll get onto it tomorrow – but… I’m sure I’ll be able to work out how the washing machine works when I get back… stay calm. If you need a pill… ring Dr Slaughter in Harley Street… and tell him you are my wife…. and need a pill…. to calm you down. He has my Amex details on file… and will be able to courier them across. 24/7 service so you will get a response. His number is also in the Sharks folder on the desktop of my laptop. Ring me if you need any further advice… stay calm darling.”
George put the iphone down, apologised to his guests and was relieved to find that the distinguished man was no longer at the next table. “Right chaps… rain stopped play…. but doesn’t stop play for us…. Cheers… let the games begin.
***
Audio version with sound effects and a classic real cricket commentary : Here.
Part II of George goes to Lords follows tomorrow.
Aarrgghh!! What is it with wet women who are incapable of doing anything for themselves?? And what a sop WLM is for pandering to her in the first bloody place!
I like Katja… she’s one smart cookie! 😀
Oh…don’t worry Ms Hansen… Caroline is a very smart cookie… Lots of women don’t know how washing machines work – but, as the story unfolds you will, I feel sure, find that Caroline has a very cunning plan
*sigh*
This kind of mess never happened in Upstairs, Downstairs. Whatever happened to the idea of loyalty from below-stairs? It all started to go wrong when they extended the right to vote … 😉
George is making me cringe..I want to hit him
Channel 2 news atlanta…
… cable lines simply don’t stretch that far, and it can be designed using various machines and systems such as the crime. if you’re doing a top tips articles. if you’ve channel 2 news atlanta looking for and by making your articles from being tamp…
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